Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.... Be Kind.

Life sometimes feels like a roller coaster.  Its got its ups and downs.  I hope most people just mostly have ups.  Mine mostly has ups but sometimes some downs.  With in the last month my life has been chaos.  Well I feel like its chaos but maybe its more like I feel like my life is in shambles or is all over the place. I feel like I'm confused 100% of time and that's an icky feeling.  Even at work I feel confused sometimes, not for long but sometimes I need to take a breather.  There is a lot that goes on in someones personal life that no one knows.  One of my most favorite sayings EVER is:  "Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind."  There is so much truth to this saying.  I think it should be on everyone's wall, I think it should be the headline when you log on the internet, I think it should be some sort of life moto.  It just is so so true.  Here's my story of our last few weeks that very few people know about...

A little over a month ago, Eric and I had another miscarriage.  We didn't know we were pregnant, we weren't really expecting to be pregnant, but we were.  It was a shock.  I wasn't sick.  I wasn't anymore tired than I usually am & I didn't even realize that I was "late".  Some of you hearing this probably think that we were just devastated and most times we are but this time it caught us so off guard, that we just went through the motions and continued on with life.  No one at work knew what was going on right away, Eric didn't even know.  It happened at work.  I called my mom.  I called my doctor.  I dealt with it and went right back to work.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of night with relief that it ended so quickly.  Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty for having that feeling.  Sometimes I wake up just sad and sometimes I wake up longing for more.  In this case, I felt upset, sad, angry and relieved all at the same time.  Not that I don't want to be pregnant, but being pregnant... just the thought of it literally scares the living shit out of me.  It consumes my thoughts.  It consumes my dreams. It consumes my life when I am.  I worry that it will end bad.  I worry something will happen at the delivery.  I worry that I will leave Eric and a baby behind, that something horrible like that will happen.  When I think about being pregnant, even writing this... I'm terrified.  A woman shouldn't feel this.  I suppose its sort of normal, but the fear I have is overwhelming.  Maybe because of all the bad luck we've had and all the trials Eric and I have been through, but something just shakes me to the core, so for that, this time this miscarriage felt like a relief.  I really can't believe I'm writing this let alone sharing that thought with anyone, but I don't think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way.  I also know that with out Eric I would be an absolute wreck.  I think with out work and Eric I wouldn't even get out of bed most days.

We moved on and went on with our lives like nothing happened. You would think that life goes back to normal physically... well it sure as heck doesn't (well at least for me it doesn't).  I went to work normally except with the few appointments for labs and follow up with the doctor.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  My TSH levels are high.  (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone)  This is nothing new for me as I have a slow thyroid. I have hypothyroidism.  My mom has this, my sister has this, I have this, this is nothing new.  So they check this every month for the next few to monitor this. They are also monitoring my HCG levels.  My hormone levels.  Right now my body is reading like its pregnant but its not, that's part of why I'm so tired.  The past few weeks I have been so tired I barely make it past 8 PM at night.  I have also gained 20 lbs. since Xmas.  I was already heavier than normal and now I'm even heavier.  Its uncomfortable.  It makes me not want to do anything social and mix that with being exhausted, I barely want to leave my house. THIS is not fair to Eric.  Eric has noticed that I have taken up a new hobby:  napping on the weekends.  I never used to nap.  He typically says I'm go go gadget.  I'm usually the one all over him to get stuff done around the house.  I can paint a whole kitchen before he finishes his breakfast, but lately not so much.  I try not to worry about not feeling good and being tired, but lately it is a lot of what I think about.  I think that somethings gotta give.  I need to feel healthy again. I need to be healthy and maybe I need to talk with friends and my mom and sisters and doctor about being so scared of being Pregnant. They probably have some great tips. Even though this horrible thing happened to us, I need to find somewhere in my will to get back to living and get back to enjoying my family, friends and pups.

I need to remember in all of this that I'm important and my health is important.  I need to do whats best for me.  I need to do whats best for my health and for my family.  From here on out, I'm going to put myself first for a while, and see if that changes anything.

I'm lucky is so many ways.  I'm beyond blessed with this life I have, I just wanted to share some recent struggles and let other women know that you aren't alone.  You aren't the only one that has a bad day.  You aren't the only one that needs an extra nap.  Even if you don't have kids, you can be tired and exhausted.  Remember, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.