The Struggle is Real

I didn't really know what I was going to write about in my next post... which happens to be this.  I was going to write about my 2016 goals, but that seemed boring.  I was going to write about how 2015 was a pretty rough year, but then I thought that that seemed depressing because although we had many losses and lots of sorrow, we also had an OK year, so that didn't seem right.  I was going to talk about my last stitchfix, which I hated, but then thought.. eh, that doesn't really have meaning.. that's really not even worth talking about except for with my two sisters who got their fixes as well. But people were asking when my next blog was gonna be.  To be honest, until I got up this morning I wasn't really sure what I was going to write, until I got up. (I have three other drafts of blog posts and I hate every single one)

I got up late.  (This is a normal thing for me)  I struggle at night to stay asleep.  I don't ever have a real good nights sleep, but I swear as soon as about 4 or 5 am hits, I'm sound asleep and when my alarm goes off at 6 its the worst sound on the face of earth.  I typically hit snooze once, twice, sometimes even three times leaving me very little time to get ready for work.  So this morning when I got up late, I thought to myself... holy cow, if I had kids or someone else to take care of, this would not fly, I better get my shit together.  But then I realized that I do have my shit together.  I do have my life together.  I have a husband, a home, nice cars, a few toys, food on my table, a great huge magnificent family, some really good close friends, a successful job and my doods.  I'm HAPPY AND I'm HEALTHY.  Then I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for thinking that my life is OK and maybe I don't need more.  I don't often feel this.  I typically feel a small part of me always thinking about having kids, thinking about why I don't have any yet, thinking about why I just happen to be the one that this is happening to, but for one minute today, I was thankful for not having any.  And trust me, I'm not really thankful for not being blessed with children, but for that small moment this morning I don't even think I was thankful, I was relieved.  If I had children running around I wouldn't have slept in, and I sure as heck wouldn't have gotten to do my hair, pack my suitcase or think about whether I should wear a bra or not!  Doesn't that make me sound like the most awful person on the face of the earth?? I sure think so. Then the guilt set in... How could I even have that thought, how could that even cross my mind. I wonder if Eric ever feels this way???  I was silent on the way to work just thinking that I'm an awful horrible person. Then I wondered if I was the only one at the age of 34 to ever have that thought.  I bet I'm not, but I also bet that some of you reading this are thinking.. holy cow I can't believe she feels relieved.   But relieved and thankful is not really how I feel, it just happens to be the way I felt for about 2 minutes this morning as I was in a hurry to get to work.

I got to work (on time).  I sat down and started writing a contract for a subcontractor we are getting ready to hire.  I couldn't focus.  I was thinking about what I thought about this morning.  I was thinking about how guilty I felt, then the tears started falling.  Then I thought maybe I don't have my shit together, maybe I don't know what I want.  Is work the only thing that will ever be what I'm good at?  I don't want work to be my legacy.. what a sad life.  Then I look down at my hand typing and realize I don't have my wedding ring on.  I forgot I had taken it off last night.  My hands are swollen.  Not because I'm overweight (which I am) but because of my thyroid and my thyroid medicine.  I couldn't get it on this morning either.  I even had a hard time getting my uggs on because my feet are swollen as well.  If someone looks close at me today, they'll see my hands, fingers, wrists, etc are all swollen. They'll see that I'm exhausted and they will see that I'm really not myself.  I remembered that the reason I can't sleep is because I don't feel good. I remembered that the reason I struggle so much with my weight is part of it is my thyroid.  (a huge part that I love food though), then I remembered that part of my struggle to have a healthy pregnancy is because of my thyroid.  I also remembered that the reason I couldn't focus on my contract is because I was thinking about all of this stuff and also a bit foggy on exactly what that contractor was going to be responsible for, which is also a side effect of my thyroid.  Now that I'm fully in motion in this blog post though I know exactly what the scope of work for my contractor is, so I should cut this short.

Long story short,  although this morning I felt relieved, thankful & guilty all with in an hour of being awake, I also know that with in that hour of being awake that everything is going to be OK.  Everything will work out the way its supposed to.  Someday I will have a kid.  Someday they will figure out exactly whats wrong with me and I will feel better.  Someday I won't have any of these thoughts when I get up.  And If I am never blessed with a child of my own, I will come to realize that that is what God had planned for Big J and I, and also maybe realize that having a child is not the only thing that will make me a good person or worth living for.  Many successful women and men make a huge impact with out having children of their own.  I hope that's not us, but if it is I need to remind myself that it isn't the end of the world, and that there are other ways of making a difference and other ways of having children.  I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one with these feelings and that I'm not the only one going through these things.  I need to share with others that they aren't alone!

I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one that doesn't feel good and that many people around me, and possibly in my office don't feel good either, so today although I always try to say hi to everyone, I will try a bit harder to take a double look at them to see if they are feeling OK and ask them how they are doing..... I think everyone should do this.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Don't be sad for those of us who haven't had children yet, just be our friends, be there for us and let us enjoy yours.  Its not the end of the world.  Don't leave us out when it comes to parties involving your kids.  Don't let us be the ones you tell last about your good news about having a baby because you are worried about hurting our feelings.  That doesn't hurt our feelings.... WE ARE FULL OF JOY FOR YOU GUYS!!!  And when you are at home this weekend changing dirty diapers, going to hockey games, doing laundry and watching Mickey Mouse Club, I'll be snowmobiling with Big J and my brother having a fantastic time!!!  (bahaha)