Hey Everyone! I know its only been a couple days since I posted last, but I had a friend reach out to me and tell me her story. It's compelling. It's surprising. It's sad. It's happy. It's funny. It's powerful. It's miraculous. It made me feel not alone, and hopefully my story and others help some of you reading this not feel so alone! Again.. it confirmed that you never know what someone is going through. I asked her if I could share her story and she said... Absolutely go for it. Long story short... She has a young son and is expecting another baby. Her miracles happened. Her prayers were answered. I couldn't be happier for her. She has a supporting husband, friends, work and family! Maybe part of the reason her story hit me so hard is that she lives away from her family like Eric and myself... It's hard being away from your family but also brings you so close to your husband and your home away from home family! Enjoy her words. I sure did. I found courage and strength in her story. Thanks for Sharing dear friend from good ol Wyoming!!! Her words below:
Amy,
I came across your blog today and was blown away. I have sometimes wondered why you and your husband didn’t have any children. As soon as I read your post from today, I jumped all the way to the beginning and just read them all.
My husband and I struggled with miscarriages for 6 years. The first time I got pregnant, we were super excited. I told people right away, and lost the baby within a couple days. My sister had a miscarriage for her first pregnancy, so I knew it could happen, but didn’t think it would happen again. 3 months later I was pregnant again. This time I made it to about 7 weeks, and when I started bleeding I fell apart. I knew that two miscarriages in a row wasn’t normal. 4-5 months later, I was pregnant again, and then I wasn’t. I saw a specialist, he ran tests and told me they couldn’t find anything wrong. All they could guess was that my DNA didn’t work with my husband’s.
I kept getting pregnant. Every 3-6 months, I would test pregnant. I would only make it to 4-7 weeks, and the pregnancy would go away. I quit going to the doctor. I would start bleeding at work, cry in the bathroom, and return to my desk. My husband was silent. He didn’t really know what to do.
People gave me so much advice. “Stop drinking all the Diet Mountain Dew,” (yes, I have the same addiction). Are you kidding me, crackheads have babies. Do this, don’t do this. It didn’t matter what I did, my body was rejecting the babies.
There was a need for everyone to “solve” our “problem.” Adoption was suggested over and over. My husband and I discussed it, but we weren’t there. IVF was another solution, but I was getting pregnant, I just couldn’t keep the baby.
I begrudgingly adopted a dog that we found outside our work. Wylie became my baby. He was my therapy, and he is the most loyal and protective dog. He was abandoned, so I feel like he would never leave me. Then Wylie bit a lady at our house. People told us to put him down, we lost our home insurance. I was at a complete loss. We can’t have a baby, and now we are supposed to kill our dog? My husband stood firm, and wouldn’t let anything happen to Wylie.
The miscarriages continued until 2014, when in March I was pregnant again. It seemed to be sticking. I made it past 6 weeks, then 7, and at 8 weeks I found myself a doctor and got an appointment. My husband went along, and this time there was a baby with a heartbeat. But, it was stuck in my fallopian tube. They sent me right to emergency room for surgery. They aborted the baby and removed my left tube. We were completely devasted. I flew home to be with my mom and sister. For a while I could forget what had happened in Phoenix and what it meant for the future. But when I had to leave, I cried all the way home. I was at the absolute bottom. I felt like I had no absolute purpose or direction in life.
After the surgery, my new doctor told us that maybe the tube the baby got stuck in had a blockage, and that was the reason I had miscarried all along. He told us to keep trying and if I had another miscarriage, he wanted to run more tests. 6 months later, I was pregnant again. I went in at 7 weeks, and the baby was there, where it was supposed to be. We left the office so excited. We thought it is finally over.
That night at 2 am I woke up and was bleeding. I went to work the next morning, and told my boss (one of my best friends) that I had lost the baby. I wasn’t even going to go back to the doctor, but he pressured me to go. When the doctor took a look, it was a complete miracle, the little baby was still there. I had a large bleed, but it did not affect the baby.
Well that miracle lasted, and now we have baby Bridger, and six months later, “Surprise, another baby.”
I don’t tell many people how many miscarriages we have had, and I’m not even sure if I know. All the comments, and emotions you shared in you blog were little reminders of how I felt. I cried the day my niece was born, because I was jealous. How horrible is that? Even with this baby, I feel distant, because I don’t want to get too attached in case something bad happens.
I don’t think there is ever the right thing to tell someone struggling with infertility. I think your blog is great, and it is therapy to share. It was therapy for me to read. Keep doing exactly what you want to do, and enjoy your husband. He sounds like a keeper and a blessing.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.... Be Kind.
Life sometimes feels like a roller coaster. Its got its ups and downs. I hope most people just mostly have ups. Mine mostly has ups but sometimes some downs. With in the last month my life has been chaos. Well I feel like its chaos but maybe its more like I feel like my life is in shambles or is all over the place. I feel like I'm confused 100% of time and that's an icky feeling. Even at work I feel confused sometimes, not for long but sometimes I need to take a breather. There is a lot that goes on in someones personal life that no one knows. One of my most favorite sayings EVER is: "Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind." There is so much truth to this saying. I think it should be on everyone's wall, I think it should be the headline when you log on the internet, I think it should be some sort of life moto. It just is so so true. Here's my story of our last few weeks that very few people know about...
A little over a month ago, Eric and I had another miscarriage. We didn't know we were pregnant, we weren't really expecting to be pregnant, but we were. It was a shock. I wasn't sick. I wasn't anymore tired than I usually am & I didn't even realize that I was "late". Some of you hearing this probably think that we were just devastated and most times we are but this time it caught us so off guard, that we just went through the motions and continued on with life. No one at work knew what was going on right away, Eric didn't even know. It happened at work. I called my mom. I called my doctor. I dealt with it and went right back to work. I sometimes wake up in the middle of night with relief that it ended so quickly. Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty for having that feeling. Sometimes I wake up just sad and sometimes I wake up longing for more. In this case, I felt upset, sad, angry and relieved all at the same time. Not that I don't want to be pregnant, but being pregnant... just the thought of it literally scares the living shit out of me. It consumes my thoughts. It consumes my dreams. It consumes my life when I am. I worry that it will end bad. I worry something will happen at the delivery. I worry that I will leave Eric and a baby behind, that something horrible like that will happen. When I think about being pregnant, even writing this... I'm terrified. A woman shouldn't feel this. I suppose its sort of normal, but the fear I have is overwhelming. Maybe because of all the bad luck we've had and all the trials Eric and I have been through, but something just shakes me to the core, so for that, this time this miscarriage felt like a relief. I really can't believe I'm writing this let alone sharing that thought with anyone, but I don't think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way. I also know that with out Eric I would be an absolute wreck. I think with out work and Eric I wouldn't even get out of bed most days.
We moved on and went on with our lives like nothing happened. You would think that life goes back to normal physically... well it sure as heck doesn't (well at least for me it doesn't). I went to work normally except with the few appointments for labs and follow up with the doctor. Nothing out of the ordinary. My TSH levels are high. (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) This is nothing new for me as I have a slow thyroid. I have hypothyroidism. My mom has this, my sister has this, I have this, this is nothing new. So they check this every month for the next few to monitor this. They are also monitoring my HCG levels. My hormone levels. Right now my body is reading like its pregnant but its not, that's part of why I'm so tired. The past few weeks I have been so tired I barely make it past 8 PM at night. I have also gained 20 lbs. since Xmas. I was already heavier than normal and now I'm even heavier. Its uncomfortable. It makes me not want to do anything social and mix that with being exhausted, I barely want to leave my house. THIS is not fair to Eric. Eric has noticed that I have taken up a new hobby: napping on the weekends. I never used to nap. He typically says I'm go go gadget. I'm usually the one all over him to get stuff done around the house. I can paint a whole kitchen before he finishes his breakfast, but lately not so much. I try not to worry about not feeling good and being tired, but lately it is a lot of what I think about. I think that somethings gotta give. I need to feel healthy again. I need to be healthy and maybe I need to talk with friends and my mom and sisters and doctor about being so scared of being Pregnant. They probably have some great tips. Even though this horrible thing happened to us, I need to find somewhere in my will to get back to living and get back to enjoying my family, friends and pups.
I need to remember in all of this that I'm important and my health is important. I need to do whats best for me. I need to do whats best for my health and for my family. From here on out, I'm going to put myself first for a while, and see if that changes anything.
I'm lucky is so many ways. I'm beyond blessed with this life I have, I just wanted to share some recent struggles and let other women know that you aren't alone. You aren't the only one that has a bad day. You aren't the only one that needs an extra nap. Even if you don't have kids, you can be tired and exhausted. Remember, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
A little over a month ago, Eric and I had another miscarriage. We didn't know we were pregnant, we weren't really expecting to be pregnant, but we were. It was a shock. I wasn't sick. I wasn't anymore tired than I usually am & I didn't even realize that I was "late". Some of you hearing this probably think that we were just devastated and most times we are but this time it caught us so off guard, that we just went through the motions and continued on with life. No one at work knew what was going on right away, Eric didn't even know. It happened at work. I called my mom. I called my doctor. I dealt with it and went right back to work. I sometimes wake up in the middle of night with relief that it ended so quickly. Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty for having that feeling. Sometimes I wake up just sad and sometimes I wake up longing for more. In this case, I felt upset, sad, angry and relieved all at the same time. Not that I don't want to be pregnant, but being pregnant... just the thought of it literally scares the living shit out of me. It consumes my thoughts. It consumes my dreams. It consumes my life when I am. I worry that it will end bad. I worry something will happen at the delivery. I worry that I will leave Eric and a baby behind, that something horrible like that will happen. When I think about being pregnant, even writing this... I'm terrified. A woman shouldn't feel this. I suppose its sort of normal, but the fear I have is overwhelming. Maybe because of all the bad luck we've had and all the trials Eric and I have been through, but something just shakes me to the core, so for that, this time this miscarriage felt like a relief. I really can't believe I'm writing this let alone sharing that thought with anyone, but I don't think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way. I also know that with out Eric I would be an absolute wreck. I think with out work and Eric I wouldn't even get out of bed most days.
We moved on and went on with our lives like nothing happened. You would think that life goes back to normal physically... well it sure as heck doesn't (well at least for me it doesn't). I went to work normally except with the few appointments for labs and follow up with the doctor. Nothing out of the ordinary. My TSH levels are high. (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) This is nothing new for me as I have a slow thyroid. I have hypothyroidism. My mom has this, my sister has this, I have this, this is nothing new. So they check this every month for the next few to monitor this. They are also monitoring my HCG levels. My hormone levels. Right now my body is reading like its pregnant but its not, that's part of why I'm so tired. The past few weeks I have been so tired I barely make it past 8 PM at night. I have also gained 20 lbs. since Xmas. I was already heavier than normal and now I'm even heavier. Its uncomfortable. It makes me not want to do anything social and mix that with being exhausted, I barely want to leave my house. THIS is not fair to Eric. Eric has noticed that I have taken up a new hobby: napping on the weekends. I never used to nap. He typically says I'm go go gadget. I'm usually the one all over him to get stuff done around the house. I can paint a whole kitchen before he finishes his breakfast, but lately not so much. I try not to worry about not feeling good and being tired, but lately it is a lot of what I think about. I think that somethings gotta give. I need to feel healthy again. I need to be healthy and maybe I need to talk with friends and my mom and sisters and doctor about being so scared of being Pregnant. They probably have some great tips. Even though this horrible thing happened to us, I need to find somewhere in my will to get back to living and get back to enjoying my family, friends and pups.
I need to remember in all of this that I'm important and my health is important. I need to do whats best for me. I need to do whats best for my health and for my family. From here on out, I'm going to put myself first for a while, and see if that changes anything.
I'm lucky is so many ways. I'm beyond blessed with this life I have, I just wanted to share some recent struggles and let other women know that you aren't alone. You aren't the only one that has a bad day. You aren't the only one that needs an extra nap. Even if you don't have kids, you can be tired and exhausted. Remember, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Crazy Dog Lady
As I crawled out of bed this morning, I had to yank, pull, yell and kick my feet to get Bear to move. When did Bear start sleeping with us??! I can't really remember but its been recently. Coach has her spot by Eric's feet at the bottom of the bed and doesn't move all night unless its to my side of the bed to sleep on my feet, but really no movement. Then there is Bear, Bear moves all night long. He hops on the bed, hops off the bed, sleeps between our pillows, lays on my stomach, stretches out the whole length of the bed, you name it Bear is doing it during the night. I don't lose sleep though, I'm used to it. I'm used to that little bit of Chaos in my room at night. I especially love it when Eric is gone. I like that they are there. I feel safer when they are there.
I was never a dog person. NEVER. Ask my parents, ask my sisters and brothers. Ask Natalie Visger. Her dog bit me in the butt. In 4th grade. I will never forget that moment in my life. How embarassing. I also remember trying to walk home from Daisy's house in Elementary school and some ankle biting dog running after me the whole way. I hated dogs. I am allergic to dogs. I didn't want anything to do with dogs, I thought they were evil. I can even remember going for runs in Steamboat and Eric antagonizing dogs in their yards so they would jump out and bark at me. I didn't think it was funny. I thought.. why the he$$ do people get dogs??!!! Then we met Chip. Chip belonged to our neighbors and good friends in the Boat. He was the sweetest. He'd sit for hours with Eric in the evening while he read his books. Something about having Chip around was calm. He shed and I still freaked out when he ran in the apartment, but I got used to him. I even let him stay at our house one time for a whole weekend (shedding hair and all). I knew I needed to get a dog for Eric. That's when the search began, how would I find a dog that didn't shed that Eric could train to hunt?!? Then we discovered Goldendoodles. The search was on... we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into! Then came Coach!
I don't know what I would do with out our two pooches. My house would sure be cleaner and quieter with out them, but much more boring. These two put a smile on my face every time I walk in the door. Whether its a bad day at work or a sad day in general or even a good day, these two make everything better. My most favorite thing to do is watch them with Eric. They love Eric so much and that smile on Eric's face is priceless. I can't wait to see that look on his face with kids of his own someday.
They make me more active. They make me laugh more. They make me smile more. They make me get up earlier than normal. They make me a better person. They make me a bit more sane. They have taught me a bit of patience. They have taught me that my house doesn't have to be clean every second of every day. They make sure that I have a tennis ball and treats in my purse every time we leave the house. They know how to make me feel better when I'm sick, they lick my tears away and they eat my left over pizza.
Coach has been with me for the past five years. She is my running buddy. She has been with me during 2 moves. She has been my driving buddy. She probably knows more about me than anyone. I talk her ear off... she just listens and never has an opinion. I can sing at the top of my lungs and she just tilts her head and wags her tail in excitement. I wish everyone did that when I belted out the lyrics to "Gangsters Paradise"! She has been with me through two miscarriages. She has seen many many many tears. When Eric has had to go back to work, Coach has been right by my side. And when I say right by my side... she doesn't leave. She doesn't leave to eat or drink or play. She follows me to the bathroom, to the shower, to the kitchen, to my car, and to the couch. She never ever ever leaves my side. She is also the best gal ever with babies. Every time I see a new born or baby with a doodle, I just squeal! I can't wait for that to be my doods and our baby. (2 doods and a baby.. I'm on to something!!!) Some people say Coach is so human, its creepy. I agree 100%. She is my most favorite human!
Bear is still a pup, but he's the sweetest. He might be sweeter than Coach. He is calm and collected most of the time. He wants to be with you all the time. My most favorite thing.... When I sit in the hot tub, he crawls up the stairs lays his head on the side of the tub and sits and waits for me. He makes sure that I'm not alone.
So to confirm... I am the crazy dog lady. There is no questioning that, but at least I'm not a crazy CAT lady! (hahaha, Just kidding to my cat loving friends)
I just wanted to shout out to all our friends and family.... for those of you that put up with our dog craziness. THANK YOU! Thank you for being patient. Thanks for loving them like they are a part of your family. You know they are a part of our family and you just accept it. You allow them in your cabins, your homes, nursing homes, cars, etc. Also to work, thanks for letting them sit in our office waiting for a grooming appointment or a vet appointment. Thanks for being patient when they get loose! For that, we will forever be grateful! And whomever wants to come visit us, we've got a place for your kids and pooches!
The only downside... Picking up poop.
I was never a dog person. NEVER. Ask my parents, ask my sisters and brothers. Ask Natalie Visger. Her dog bit me in the butt. In 4th grade. I will never forget that moment in my life. How embarassing. I also remember trying to walk home from Daisy's house in Elementary school and some ankle biting dog running after me the whole way. I hated dogs. I am allergic to dogs. I didn't want anything to do with dogs, I thought they were evil. I can even remember going for runs in Steamboat and Eric antagonizing dogs in their yards so they would jump out and bark at me. I didn't think it was funny. I thought.. why the he$$ do people get dogs??!!! Then we met Chip. Chip belonged to our neighbors and good friends in the Boat. He was the sweetest. He'd sit for hours with Eric in the evening while he read his books. Something about having Chip around was calm. He shed and I still freaked out when he ran in the apartment, but I got used to him. I even let him stay at our house one time for a whole weekend (shedding hair and all). I knew I needed to get a dog for Eric. That's when the search began, how would I find a dog that didn't shed that Eric could train to hunt?!? Then we discovered Goldendoodles. The search was on... we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into! Then came Coach!
I don't know what I would do with out our two pooches. My house would sure be cleaner and quieter with out them, but much more boring. These two put a smile on my face every time I walk in the door. Whether its a bad day at work or a sad day in general or even a good day, these two make everything better. My most favorite thing to do is watch them with Eric. They love Eric so much and that smile on Eric's face is priceless. I can't wait to see that look on his face with kids of his own someday.
They make me more active. They make me laugh more. They make me smile more. They make me get up earlier than normal. They make me a better person. They make me a bit more sane. They have taught me a bit of patience. They have taught me that my house doesn't have to be clean every second of every day. They make sure that I have a tennis ball and treats in my purse every time we leave the house. They know how to make me feel better when I'm sick, they lick my tears away and they eat my left over pizza.
Coach has been with me for the past five years. She is my running buddy. She has been with me during 2 moves. She has been my driving buddy. She probably knows more about me than anyone. I talk her ear off... she just listens and never has an opinion. I can sing at the top of my lungs and she just tilts her head and wags her tail in excitement. I wish everyone did that when I belted out the lyrics to "Gangsters Paradise"! She has been with me through two miscarriages. She has seen many many many tears. When Eric has had to go back to work, Coach has been right by my side. And when I say right by my side... she doesn't leave. She doesn't leave to eat or drink or play. She follows me to the bathroom, to the shower, to the kitchen, to my car, and to the couch. She never ever ever leaves my side. She is also the best gal ever with babies. Every time I see a new born or baby with a doodle, I just squeal! I can't wait for that to be my doods and our baby. (2 doods and a baby.. I'm on to something!!!) Some people say Coach is so human, its creepy. I agree 100%. She is my most favorite human!
Bear is still a pup, but he's the sweetest. He might be sweeter than Coach. He is calm and collected most of the time. He wants to be with you all the time. My most favorite thing.... When I sit in the hot tub, he crawls up the stairs lays his head on the side of the tub and sits and waits for me. He makes sure that I'm not alone.
So to confirm... I am the crazy dog lady. There is no questioning that, but at least I'm not a crazy CAT lady! (hahaha, Just kidding to my cat loving friends)
I just wanted to shout out to all our friends and family.... for those of you that put up with our dog craziness. THANK YOU! Thank you for being patient. Thanks for loving them like they are a part of your family. You know they are a part of our family and you just accept it. You allow them in your cabins, your homes, nursing homes, cars, etc. Also to work, thanks for letting them sit in our office waiting for a grooming appointment or a vet appointment. Thanks for being patient when they get loose! For that, we will forever be grateful! And whomever wants to come visit us, we've got a place for your kids and pooches!
The only downside... Picking up poop.
Monday, February 8, 2016
What would I do with out Eric??!!!!
This morning the third person in two days asked when I was gonna do another entry....
I figured I was gonna blog about the chalkboard that I'm trying to build with out Eric. (not going as well as planned) But I figured I would wait to show everyone that little project once it is complete (with the help of Eric) and the successful product, not the failed one! And I got to thinking... geez what the heck would I do with out Eric? I sure as heck wouldn't be able to do all my projects. He helps me with every single one, and he just puts up with me. He encourages me and he's my biggest fan. When I say I have a plan or a new idea, he just rolls with it. When I want to move the recliners three times and re-hang the clock for the 5th time on a work night; he helps. He's quite the guy. I wouldn't be near as strong as I am with out Eric. I wouldn't have endured some of the things we did and came out OK if it wasn't for Eric.
Most people don't know Eric that well. He stays to himself until he knows you and he's comfortable around you. He's respectful. He's loyal, he's caring and hes a fantastic husband and friend. He's smart, almost too smart for his own good! He doesn't speak his mind unless someone asks him for it and he thinks before he speaks. This is a trait I wish I was better at.
Some of you might not know that Eric and I only knew each other for 9 months before we got married. 9 months! Isn't that insane? I think that's insane. That really doesn't even seem logical, even to me and its my life. How can you get to know someone and trust them enough to marry them with in 9 months? Who knows! Don't ask me..... but something felt right!
Eric and I couldn't be more opposite of each other. Eric was quiet, he took weeks to hold my hand, and even longer to kiss me. He was Quiet; I was not. I drank beer; he did not. I knew all about the trends; he did not. I was a social butterfly; he was not. I wanted to always be around other people; he did not. He was ready to spread his wings and move away from family for opportunity; I was not. I had tried to be away from my family once, and it only lasted a summer. That might sound lame to some of you, but my immediate family was everything to me. The thought of leaving my 7 siblings and parents made me sick to my stomach, I had never wanted to do it, until I met Eric. I had never felt safe enough to do it; until I met Big J.
Once we were married I moved to Nebraska. Eric was working for Fagen. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't have a job. I barely had any money and I was leaving everything I ever knew behind. I was a rebel! Ha, OK I wasn't a rebel, I was a scared young adult that had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was home. Home was wherever Eric and I were together.
I figured I would get a temporary teaching job or subbing job, but that was a no go. Shortly after moving to Nebraska, Fagen hired me. It wasn't a dream job, but it was a job, and I got to be with Eric every single day. I thought.. man it doesn't get any better than this! But then it did, we got pregnant. Not planned. Not expected. It was a shock . I still remember that night like it was yesterday. I ran around screaming, laughing, crying and screaming some more. I called my mom, I didn't know what to think. I thought.. holy crap; we are pregnant. Do I even know this guy?! I hope I know this guy, I'm living in the middle of NOWHERE with this guy and about to have a child with him. Talk about scary. I thought it was the scariest thing ever, but it wasn't, because I had Eric. He was so excited. He was overjoyed. He was speechless.. but the smile on his face said it all. So to say the least.... life was pretty good. We had jobs, we were paying off student loans and credit cards faster than anyone our age and we were going home occasionally and had made a bunch of new friends. We were comfortable.
I was about 6-8 weeks pregnant, I had only had a couple appointments. I went in for a routine appointment and Eric decided to stay at work. The doctor found some blood. He said it most likely was nothing to worry about but that I should come back the next day for an ultrasound. I was pretty upset, but headed back to work. I felt fine. I was extremely tired but that was it. No morning sickness... just tired. Really really really tired. When I got back to work all the guys were in a meeting. I went to the bathroom and never came out. By the time the meeting was over the guys were wondering where I was at. I had had a miscarriage, well the start of one anyway. I don't know, its hard to explain. I went home, was put on bed rest and waited to see the doctor. I eventually had surgery. I thought I was scared when I got the news I was pregnant... this was a whole other type of fear. This was real life. This was raw. This was unexpected and Hella scary, BUT I was not in this alone. I had a partner. He stopped everything and was there for me. He made me "dunkin" eggs. He didn't even know what "dunkin" eggs were. That's how long we hadn't known each other. "Dunkin" eggs are over easy eggs, you can dunk your toast in...the kind your dad makes you when you are growing up. That's all I wanted when this happened, oh and my mom. My mom couldn't be there, but Eric could and he was constantly reassuring her that I was fine. Big J's version of "dunkin" eggs became my new favorite. Every day for many days I had eggs and toast and diet mountain dew. Big J was my rock. He was my nurse. He was the housekeeper. He was the bread winner. He was everything. He would bring home Pizza Hut with out me even asking. While going through this horrific event, I realized I was with the guy I was supposed to be with. I never knew I could love a person as much as I loved him. Every time I struggle with this thing called life or another miscarriage or health scare I am reminded how strong he is and that I picked the right husband. I am also reminded of how strong and easy our relationship is.
Eric's mom and dad raised one heck of a man. If I have ever regretted anything, its that I didn't tell Eric's dad how great of a son he raised and that I am so thankful for him!
I would like to think that I'm lucky, but I hope every single woman/wife feels this way about their spouse. No matter what happens.... through thick and thin... your husband needs to be there for you, you need to be his priority and whether you can give them the moon and stars, they need to love you unconditionally. Your husband should be your best friend. I once had a friend tell me it was weird how much time Eric and I spend together.. At first I was offended; now I just feel sad for that person. I never said Eric and I's relationship was perfect because its far from, but its our story and I like our story!
Now if only.... he would clean the bathrooms, sweep the floors and not walk through my house with his shoes on.......
I figured I was gonna blog about the chalkboard that I'm trying to build with out Eric. (not going as well as planned) But I figured I would wait to show everyone that little project once it is complete (with the help of Eric) and the successful product, not the failed one! And I got to thinking... geez what the heck would I do with out Eric? I sure as heck wouldn't be able to do all my projects. He helps me with every single one, and he just puts up with me. He encourages me and he's my biggest fan. When I say I have a plan or a new idea, he just rolls with it. When I want to move the recliners three times and re-hang the clock for the 5th time on a work night; he helps. He's quite the guy. I wouldn't be near as strong as I am with out Eric. I wouldn't have endured some of the things we did and came out OK if it wasn't for Eric.
Most people don't know Eric that well. He stays to himself until he knows you and he's comfortable around you. He's respectful. He's loyal, he's caring and hes a fantastic husband and friend. He's smart, almost too smart for his own good! He doesn't speak his mind unless someone asks him for it and he thinks before he speaks. This is a trait I wish I was better at.
Some of you might not know that Eric and I only knew each other for 9 months before we got married. 9 months! Isn't that insane? I think that's insane. That really doesn't even seem logical, even to me and its my life. How can you get to know someone and trust them enough to marry them with in 9 months? Who knows! Don't ask me..... but something felt right!
Eric and I couldn't be more opposite of each other. Eric was quiet, he took weeks to hold my hand, and even longer to kiss me. He was Quiet; I was not. I drank beer; he did not. I knew all about the trends; he did not. I was a social butterfly; he was not. I wanted to always be around other people; he did not. He was ready to spread his wings and move away from family for opportunity; I was not. I had tried to be away from my family once, and it only lasted a summer. That might sound lame to some of you, but my immediate family was everything to me. The thought of leaving my 7 siblings and parents made me sick to my stomach, I had never wanted to do it, until I met Eric. I had never felt safe enough to do it; until I met Big J.
Once we were married I moved to Nebraska. Eric was working for Fagen. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't have a job. I barely had any money and I was leaving everything I ever knew behind. I was a rebel! Ha, OK I wasn't a rebel, I was a scared young adult that had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was home. Home was wherever Eric and I were together.
I figured I would get a temporary teaching job or subbing job, but that was a no go. Shortly after moving to Nebraska, Fagen hired me. It wasn't a dream job, but it was a job, and I got to be with Eric every single day. I thought.. man it doesn't get any better than this! But then it did, we got pregnant. Not planned. Not expected. It was a shock . I still remember that night like it was yesterday. I ran around screaming, laughing, crying and screaming some more. I called my mom, I didn't know what to think. I thought.. holy crap; we are pregnant. Do I even know this guy?! I hope I know this guy, I'm living in the middle of NOWHERE with this guy and about to have a child with him. Talk about scary. I thought it was the scariest thing ever, but it wasn't, because I had Eric. He was so excited. He was overjoyed. He was speechless.. but the smile on his face said it all. So to say the least.... life was pretty good. We had jobs, we were paying off student loans and credit cards faster than anyone our age and we were going home occasionally and had made a bunch of new friends. We were comfortable.
I was about 6-8 weeks pregnant, I had only had a couple appointments. I went in for a routine appointment and Eric decided to stay at work. The doctor found some blood. He said it most likely was nothing to worry about but that I should come back the next day for an ultrasound. I was pretty upset, but headed back to work. I felt fine. I was extremely tired but that was it. No morning sickness... just tired. Really really really tired. When I got back to work all the guys were in a meeting. I went to the bathroom and never came out. By the time the meeting was over the guys were wondering where I was at. I had had a miscarriage, well the start of one anyway. I don't know, its hard to explain. I went home, was put on bed rest and waited to see the doctor. I eventually had surgery. I thought I was scared when I got the news I was pregnant... this was a whole other type of fear. This was real life. This was raw. This was unexpected and Hella scary, BUT I was not in this alone. I had a partner. He stopped everything and was there for me. He made me "dunkin" eggs. He didn't even know what "dunkin" eggs were. That's how long we hadn't known each other. "Dunkin" eggs are over easy eggs, you can dunk your toast in...the kind your dad makes you when you are growing up. That's all I wanted when this happened, oh and my mom. My mom couldn't be there, but Eric could and he was constantly reassuring her that I was fine. Big J's version of "dunkin" eggs became my new favorite. Every day for many days I had eggs and toast and diet mountain dew. Big J was my rock. He was my nurse. He was the housekeeper. He was the bread winner. He was everything. He would bring home Pizza Hut with out me even asking. While going through this horrific event, I realized I was with the guy I was supposed to be with. I never knew I could love a person as much as I loved him. Every time I struggle with this thing called life or another miscarriage or health scare I am reminded how strong he is and that I picked the right husband. I am also reminded of how strong and easy our relationship is.
Eric's mom and dad raised one heck of a man. If I have ever regretted anything, its that I didn't tell Eric's dad how great of a son he raised and that I am so thankful for him!
I would like to think that I'm lucky, but I hope every single woman/wife feels this way about their spouse. No matter what happens.... through thick and thin... your husband needs to be there for you, you need to be his priority and whether you can give them the moon and stars, they need to love you unconditionally. Your husband should be your best friend. I once had a friend tell me it was weird how much time Eric and I spend together.. At first I was offended; now I just feel sad for that person. I never said Eric and I's relationship was perfect because its far from, but its our story and I like our story!
Now if only.... he would clean the bathrooms, sweep the floors and not walk through my house with his shoes on.......
Eric and Amy -- Las Vegas, NV 7/3/2006
Monday, January 25, 2016
Johnson Ranch 1974
A friend text messaged me Saturday night with this picture. At first I was like, what the heck is this? Maybe she text the wrong person. I hadn't fully read her message. Then I looked closer... "holy cow, that's our house!" Man, then I was excited. I'm not sure why I got so exited but I was.
No, the silos and farm equipment are no longer there. (dang it)
The Mini shed in front of the house, does still exist but it has been moved by the shop, and we have completely re-done the exterior of it. Painted, new roof, new garage door. It needs two new windows and the inside cleaned out more, but we've made it our garden shed and it works perfectly for that task. Right now its shoved full with too many Adirondack chairs to count. (Big J's most favorite thing to move around!!!)
Notice that the driveway takes a loop back to the shop, we don't have a loop anymore, its all grass. We couldn't figure out why when digging or working over there, there was rocks and concrete under the grass... this picture now tells us why.
The house is not red anymore, and it had an addition put in in 2005 or 2006. With that addition 2 bedrooms, 1 bath, a large hallway, basement, entry way, dining room and single stall garage were added. My most favorite part about this picture is that the house is RED. When we do our remodel, I just keep telling Big J I want a red house with white tin roof and blue shutters. This picture confirms that I am making the right decision.
As far as the shop/garage goes, its still red and its still a beauty! Its the reason we bought this property. The day we looked at this house, it was a full on snow storm. We had never been to this house. We rolled down the driveway slowly in our rental car that was 2WD and was smaller than a prius. I was yelling about the stupid car and Eric just said... "Ame.. this is it." He hadn't even seen the inside. But that shop, that shop is all that man needed. So far, we've painted the roof, put new windows in, installed all new insulated garage doors, added more electrical outlets, added surround sound and a TV, and cleaned it up so it is a good working shop for Eric and I. I have to admit.. that it might be one of my favorite things about the place too. I can do all my projects in the warm shop with Netflix on. It literally is my heaven!
There is a bump out from the shop. That's a port-o-john. We have cleaned that up, added some magazines and toilet paper and sometimes when I can't' find Eric, that's where he is hiding. :) :)
We took a tour of the house.. I wasn't fully convinced but Eric was. I decided that I had had two brand new houses already and that I needed to trust him on this. It was the best decision we've ever made. This might not be our most favorite place that we've ever lived, but the house is awesome and it is our "home". We've done a ton of improvements inside the house as well and cleaned up the landscaping. The worst thing is that the dishwasher is in the laundry room. And we actually call the laundry room our multi purpose room. We call it this because it is where I do crafts, do my laundry, run the dishwasher, where it has a closet with all my winter coats and hoodies, where Bear sleeps, where all my paint for my projects is stored, where all the cleaning supplies are stored and where I go when I feel like I need to dip back to the 80's!!!!
I look forward to sharing more pictures of our home. Some before pictures. Some current pictures and some after pictures!
Friday, January 22, 2016
The Struggle is Real
I didn't really know what I was going to write about in my next post... which happens to be this. I was going to write about my 2016 goals, but that seemed boring. I was going to write about how 2015 was a pretty rough year, but then I thought that that seemed depressing because although we had many losses and lots of sorrow, we also had an OK year, so that didn't seem right. I was going to talk about my last stitchfix, which I hated, but then thought.. eh, that doesn't really have meaning.. that's really not even worth talking about except for with my two sisters who got their fixes as well. But people were asking when my next blog was gonna be. To be honest, until I got up this morning I wasn't really sure what I was going to write, until I got up. (I have three other drafts of blog posts and I hate every single one)
I got up late. (This is a normal thing for me) I struggle at night to stay asleep. I don't ever have a real good nights sleep, but I swear as soon as about 4 or 5 am hits, I'm sound asleep and when my alarm goes off at 6 its the worst sound on the face of earth. I typically hit snooze once, twice, sometimes even three times leaving me very little time to get ready for work. So this morning when I got up late, I thought to myself... holy cow, if I had kids or someone else to take care of, this would not fly, I better get my shit together. But then I realized that I do have my shit together. I do have my life together. I have a husband, a home, nice cars, a few toys, food on my table, a great huge magnificent family, some really good close friends, a successful job and my doods. I'm HAPPY AND I'm HEALTHY. Then I felt guilty. I felt guilty for thinking that my life is OK and maybe I don't need more. I don't often feel this. I typically feel a small part of me always thinking about having kids, thinking about why I don't have any yet, thinking about why I just happen to be the one that this is happening to, but for one minute today, I was thankful for not having any. And trust me, I'm not really thankful for not being blessed with children, but for that small moment this morning I don't even think I was thankful, I was relieved. If I had children running around I wouldn't have slept in, and I sure as heck wouldn't have gotten to do my hair, pack my suitcase or think about whether I should wear a bra or not! Doesn't that make me sound like the most awful person on the face of the earth?? I sure think so. Then the guilt set in... How could I even have that thought, how could that even cross my mind. I wonder if Eric ever feels this way??? I was silent on the way to work just thinking that I'm an awful horrible person. Then I wondered if I was the only one at the age of 34 to ever have that thought. I bet I'm not, but I also bet that some of you reading this are thinking.. holy cow I can't believe she feels relieved. But relieved and thankful is not really how I feel, it just happens to be the way I felt for about 2 minutes this morning as I was in a hurry to get to work.
I got to work (on time). I sat down and started writing a contract for a subcontractor we are getting ready to hire. I couldn't focus. I was thinking about what I thought about this morning. I was thinking about how guilty I felt, then the tears started falling. Then I thought maybe I don't have my shit together, maybe I don't know what I want. Is work the only thing that will ever be what I'm good at? I don't want work to be my legacy.. what a sad life. Then I look down at my hand typing and realize I don't have my wedding ring on. I forgot I had taken it off last night. My hands are swollen. Not because I'm overweight (which I am) but because of my thyroid and my thyroid medicine. I couldn't get it on this morning either. I even had a hard time getting my uggs on because my feet are swollen as well. If someone looks close at me today, they'll see my hands, fingers, wrists, etc are all swollen. They'll see that I'm exhausted and they will see that I'm really not myself. I remembered that the reason I can't sleep is because I don't feel good. I remembered that the reason I struggle so much with my weight is part of it is my thyroid. (a huge part that I love food though), then I remembered that part of my struggle to have a healthy pregnancy is because of my thyroid. I also remembered that the reason I couldn't focus on my contract is because I was thinking about all of this stuff and also a bit foggy on exactly what that contractor was going to be responsible for, which is also a side effect of my thyroid. Now that I'm fully in motion in this blog post though I know exactly what the scope of work for my contractor is, so I should cut this short.
Long story short, although this morning I felt relieved, thankful & guilty all with in an hour of being awake, I also know that with in that hour of being awake that everything is going to be OK. Everything will work out the way its supposed to. Someday I will have a kid. Someday they will figure out exactly whats wrong with me and I will feel better. Someday I won't have any of these thoughts when I get up. And If I am never blessed with a child of my own, I will come to realize that that is what God had planned for Big J and I, and also maybe realize that having a child is not the only thing that will make me a good person or worth living for. Many successful women and men make a huge impact with out having children of their own. I hope that's not us, but if it is I need to remind myself that it isn't the end of the world, and that there are other ways of making a difference and other ways of having children. I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one with these feelings and that I'm not the only one going through these things. I need to share with others that they aren't alone!
I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one that doesn't feel good and that many people around me, and possibly in my office don't feel good either, so today although I always try to say hi to everyone, I will try a bit harder to take a double look at them to see if they are feeling OK and ask them how they are doing..... I think everyone should do this.
Have a good weekend everyone. Don't be sad for those of us who haven't had children yet, just be our friends, be there for us and let us enjoy yours. Its not the end of the world. Don't leave us out when it comes to parties involving your kids. Don't let us be the ones you tell last about your good news about having a baby because you are worried about hurting our feelings. That doesn't hurt our feelings.... WE ARE FULL OF JOY FOR YOU GUYS!!! And when you are at home this weekend changing dirty diapers, going to hockey games, doing laundry and watching Mickey Mouse Club, I'll be snowmobiling with Big J and my brother having a fantastic time!!! (bahaha)
I got up late. (This is a normal thing for me) I struggle at night to stay asleep. I don't ever have a real good nights sleep, but I swear as soon as about 4 or 5 am hits, I'm sound asleep and when my alarm goes off at 6 its the worst sound on the face of earth. I typically hit snooze once, twice, sometimes even three times leaving me very little time to get ready for work. So this morning when I got up late, I thought to myself... holy cow, if I had kids or someone else to take care of, this would not fly, I better get my shit together. But then I realized that I do have my shit together. I do have my life together. I have a husband, a home, nice cars, a few toys, food on my table, a great huge magnificent family, some really good close friends, a successful job and my doods. I'm HAPPY AND I'm HEALTHY. Then I felt guilty. I felt guilty for thinking that my life is OK and maybe I don't need more. I don't often feel this. I typically feel a small part of me always thinking about having kids, thinking about why I don't have any yet, thinking about why I just happen to be the one that this is happening to, but for one minute today, I was thankful for not having any. And trust me, I'm not really thankful for not being blessed with children, but for that small moment this morning I don't even think I was thankful, I was relieved. If I had children running around I wouldn't have slept in, and I sure as heck wouldn't have gotten to do my hair, pack my suitcase or think about whether I should wear a bra or not! Doesn't that make me sound like the most awful person on the face of the earth?? I sure think so. Then the guilt set in... How could I even have that thought, how could that even cross my mind. I wonder if Eric ever feels this way??? I was silent on the way to work just thinking that I'm an awful horrible person. Then I wondered if I was the only one at the age of 34 to ever have that thought. I bet I'm not, but I also bet that some of you reading this are thinking.. holy cow I can't believe she feels relieved. But relieved and thankful is not really how I feel, it just happens to be the way I felt for about 2 minutes this morning as I was in a hurry to get to work.
I got to work (on time). I sat down and started writing a contract for a subcontractor we are getting ready to hire. I couldn't focus. I was thinking about what I thought about this morning. I was thinking about how guilty I felt, then the tears started falling. Then I thought maybe I don't have my shit together, maybe I don't know what I want. Is work the only thing that will ever be what I'm good at? I don't want work to be my legacy.. what a sad life. Then I look down at my hand typing and realize I don't have my wedding ring on. I forgot I had taken it off last night. My hands are swollen. Not because I'm overweight (which I am) but because of my thyroid and my thyroid medicine. I couldn't get it on this morning either. I even had a hard time getting my uggs on because my feet are swollen as well. If someone looks close at me today, they'll see my hands, fingers, wrists, etc are all swollen. They'll see that I'm exhausted and they will see that I'm really not myself. I remembered that the reason I can't sleep is because I don't feel good. I remembered that the reason I struggle so much with my weight is part of it is my thyroid. (a huge part that I love food though), then I remembered that part of my struggle to have a healthy pregnancy is because of my thyroid. I also remembered that the reason I couldn't focus on my contract is because I was thinking about all of this stuff and also a bit foggy on exactly what that contractor was going to be responsible for, which is also a side effect of my thyroid. Now that I'm fully in motion in this blog post though I know exactly what the scope of work for my contractor is, so I should cut this short.
Long story short, although this morning I felt relieved, thankful & guilty all with in an hour of being awake, I also know that with in that hour of being awake that everything is going to be OK. Everything will work out the way its supposed to. Someday I will have a kid. Someday they will figure out exactly whats wrong with me and I will feel better. Someday I won't have any of these thoughts when I get up. And If I am never blessed with a child of my own, I will come to realize that that is what God had planned for Big J and I, and also maybe realize that having a child is not the only thing that will make me a good person or worth living for. Many successful women and men make a huge impact with out having children of their own. I hope that's not us, but if it is I need to remind myself that it isn't the end of the world, and that there are other ways of making a difference and other ways of having children. I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one with these feelings and that I'm not the only one going through these things. I need to share with others that they aren't alone!
I also need to remember, that I'm not the only one that doesn't feel good and that many people around me, and possibly in my office don't feel good either, so today although I always try to say hi to everyone, I will try a bit harder to take a double look at them to see if they are feeling OK and ask them how they are doing..... I think everyone should do this.
Have a good weekend everyone. Don't be sad for those of us who haven't had children yet, just be our friends, be there for us and let us enjoy yours. Its not the end of the world. Don't leave us out when it comes to parties involving your kids. Don't let us be the ones you tell last about your good news about having a baby because you are worried about hurting our feelings. That doesn't hurt our feelings.... WE ARE FULL OF JOY FOR YOU GUYS!!! And when you are at home this weekend changing dirty diapers, going to hockey games, doing laundry and watching Mickey Mouse Club, I'll be snowmobiling with Big J and my brother having a fantastic time!!! (bahaha)
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Amy's Snowmobile
4 years ago in January, Eric and I lost 2 babies. I was pregnant with Twins. This was our second miscarriage. It was unexpected, it was scary and it was sad. It was mostly just sad. It was an icky icky feeling. Eric dealt with it like a champ. He was sad, but put me first. I had breakfast in bed for days. He brought me big huge 44 ounce diet Mt. dews for weeks! He took care of all my work issues while I was out. He hugged me a lot and also just sat with me a lot in silence. When I cried; he cried. When I laughed; he laughed. And when I wanted to go shopping, he didn't argue, he just said "What do you have in mind?" I knew that shopping was a temporary way of feeling better. Those of you that know me know how much I love shopping, but I also love being outside and playing in the snow. We had bought an older mountain snowmobile in 2009 for me to learn how to ride in the mountains. I was feeling like I need a new one, so we went and got one. I got a brand new mountain sled. It was mine. Not Eric's, not brother Tommy's, but mine. I picked it out, I negotiated, I picked the options I WANTED and I paid for it. I was so proud. I couldn't wait to ride it. And ride it is what I did. We rode it all winter in 2011 and 2012. We went everywhere in Colorado that we could! I loved that thing and still do. What got me thinking about this topic is that I went for a ride on my snowmobile this week. It was the first time in over a year. Where we live in Minnesota, we don't get that much snow. We only have trails to ride here mostly so Eric sold his sled to buy a shorter track sled for trail riding. We've talked about selling mine, but I just can't do it. Not only does it work in the Mountains and here, but its my first ever new sled. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel happy, and it makes me feel independent. Every time I get on my sled, I know why I bought it and I know how it helped me cope that winter. I don't want to sell it. I don't want a new sled. I may never want a new sled. I love that thing more than any other object in my life. It doesn't fix the major loss we had that winter and doesn't fill the void that we sometimes have for not having a family yet, but when I do ride it and take trips with it it makes me feel happy and alive and reminds me that life is good. So Big J.. for now I'm good with my sled. Actually I'm perfect with my sled!
I have wanted to start a blog for some time. I wanted it to be about my thyroid, my miscarriages, my hate for the dentist, how much I love big J, how much I love both my family and Eric's and talk about our old farm house. I didn't think anyone would be interested. My friend Taunja told me to start one on the #johnsonranch adventures. So I have named this blog #johnsonranch, but it will be much more than just our stories of our house, it will be a place where I can talk about many struggles us women have. Happy New Year and hopefully 2016 brings everyone joy!!!
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