Looking at me.....

Looking at me you wouldn't know that I'm scared to death.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I don't know what to say.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am a ball of mixed emotions.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm in the Dr's office, all I do is make jokes.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that there are days, that I'm OK not having a kid.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that some days I can barely get out of bed, because my heart is broken.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm around a bunch of women that have children; I sometimes feel inferior.
Looking at me you wouldn't think that staying positive is a hard task.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that maybe last week I had 3 doctors visits.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I was late for work again because I had to get my blood drawn.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I feel anxious.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am angry.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how frustrated I am.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how mad I am at my own body.  The body that was made to create life, the body that hasn't seemed to figure it out yet.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that sometimes I can't even remember my Social Security Number or log in to my computer.....

But looking at me you hopefully know that I am a fighter and I'm not giving up.

Infertility is hard.  I know there are harder subjects, but my subject is that.  It is crippling some days.  It is pain and loss on a level some can't imagine.  It is starting over and over until you've hit rock bottom.  It is finding the courage to start over again and that's just what we did.

This summer, as most of you know we really decided to take our fertility serious.  We started seeing a specialist and we couldn't be more happy.  I haven't updated in a while, so I wanted to update.  I had 3 private messages alone, just today.  The support we have as a couple is overwhelmingly amazing!

The cyst on my pituitary gland has shrunk.  The medicine I'm on for my prolactin levels has worked tremendously.  My levels have gone from very high to very normal.  (I stay on this medicine maybe for forever). (this dang prolactin subject was in a previous blog post)

My thyroid is leveled out.  I've been on the same medicine for probably 6 months now with no modifications.  This is a miracle in itself. (also medicine I'll stay on for forever)

I've had surgery to remove polyps and abnormal cells from my uterus and cervix.  Surgery was successful and really no big deal. To say we weren't nervous would be an understatement, you don't always understand what the nurses and doctors are saying, but we're OK.  I had to miss work which is always a PITA, but maybe a blessing in disguise because I discovered the TV show Suits....... O.M.G.  I may name my first born Louis Litt, JK, JK, but for sure Harvey Spector Johnson.

As of October 12th, we decided to take the least invasive way to conceiving a baby, which is the natural way with a little help from our new friend Progesterone. She should build up the uterus wall to protect a baby!  (long story short).  We could have opted to go to IUI or IVF, but we wanted to see if we could conceive and carry on our own, now that some of the obstacles seem to be out of the way. We have always been able to conceive, carrying is our problem, so I'm crossing my fingers that it helps!  If it doesn't we'll move on to the next step in a few months.  Overall I'm feeling SO MUCH better than I ever have.. not every day is great but there are more good than bad.

Here's to the sweetest news:  Sister Sarah had a baby this past week!  Looking at me, meeting my newest nephew, you'd know all the thoughts in my head because it was written all over my face.  Meeting your little sisters baby for the first time.... there isn't any sweeter feeling.

Say a few prayers for us, send us some high fives and hugs, and know we're sending them right back. Know that one of my nightly prayers is for every other couple experiencing this, that they just have a good day once and a while and that I know you are some of the strongest people in this world!

XO, Amy

  

Month 3 update

Pregnancy journey, month 3 update.  Remember, we don't share this for sympathy or attention.  We share this because we feel that if we can share our story and at help at least ONE person, then our story is worth telling.

We are on month three in on our journey to having a little Johnson.  We've been getting lots of messages and questions on if there is an update, we've been quiet, but not on purpose, just not much going on.  

Everyone told us that this would be a long process, that it wouldn't go fast.   I had this feeling in my gut that it would go fast, I was thinking, heck we've already waited 12 years and had how many losses..... once we took the leap to see the specialist, things would just fall into ace.  However, they haven't.  Don't get me wrong, I feel completely blessed and we BOTH feel that we are in the right hands. We have some answers, even if small, and even if we don't like em... we have more info today then we've ever have.

I've been taking a new medicine to help lower my Prolactin levels (a bit of information about prolactin is below in in our last update).  My medicine at first made me very very tired.  I was super frustrated at that.  I am already super tired because of my thyroid so you can imagine how frustrated I was to feel even more tired.  Most people probably don't know how tired I am every.single.day, but that isn't anyone's burden but my own and if I could get any relief that would be a BIG BIG DEAL.

Now fast forward 2 months... My Prolactin levels and my thyroid hormone levels are significantly lower but not low enough to go on to the next stage of testing.  They want to wait another 2-4 months to re-test.  Of course naturally I was upset and just super disappointed; this was Friday.  We had the day off, we were picking up a new camper, we were going to see some Johnson's and it was just gonna be a much needed long weekend, however I couldn't shake what I had just found out and in true Eric fashion he put things into perspective.  He said "Ame, you have more energy than I have seen in years.  You get out of bed in the morning with out a struggle.  You have pep in your step. You don't beg me to take a nap on lunch breaks, I have your back.... We've got his, things are already SOOOOO much better."  So in my feeling bad for myself mood, he turned it around and I realized that even in the midst of the bad news, or the slow moving hormones, there was some light at the end of the tunnel.

In closing, there really is no update, except I am feeling a bit better, and what they are treating me for, has probably been an issue for years and its finally being fixed. It has probably contributed to my not feeling well and has more than likely played a role in our many miscarriages. We will re-check my Prolactin levels in a few months, and hopefully move on to some more testing.  I have a small procedure tomorrow but nothing big. Keep us in your prayers & send good vibes!  Know that we are are praying and sending good vibes for anyone struggling with the same struggle as us!  Know that if you are expecting we couldn't be more happy for you and know that if you are one of our nieces and nephews, we couldn't love you more!!

XO, Eric & Amy

A little light reading on Prolactin below. (another request we've had) Two causes for my high Prolactin are Prolactinoma, a benign tumor in my pituitary gland that produces too much prolactin and Hashimotos/hypothyroidism.

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What Is Prolactin?

Prolactin is a hormone produced primarily by the anterior pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland at the base of the brain. Prolactin gets its name because it plays a major role in inducing milk production in lactating women. Prolactin levels normally increase throughout a woman's pregnancy, although the levels vary widely in women. Prolactin levels reach their highest level at the time of delivery and then go back to normal around six weeks after delivery (even if a woman is breastfeeding).

When prolactin levels are elevated, the condition is labeled hyperprolactinemia, and these high levels can interfere with how a woman's ovaries function. This can lead to menstrual irregularities, infertility, and sometimes milk release from the breasts, even though a woman is not breastfeeding.

The most common cause of hyperprolactinemia is a non-cancerous pituitary tumor called an adenoma, but the condition can also occur in some people with hypothyroidism. Prolactin can also be elevated in response to environmental triggers, such as strenuous exercise or stress, and in people who take medications that affect the brain chemical, dopamine.

Role in Fertility

Because menstruation and the normal ovulatory cycle often ceases during lactation, prolactin acts as a natural contraceptive that protects against back-to-back pregnancies. That being said, your body's prolactin levels should not be relied upon as proper contraception. Be sure to discuss postpartum contraception with your healthcare provider.

According to this well-accepted theory that high prolactin levels can impair ovarian function, women with elevated prolactin levels who are trying to conceive may experience menstrual and/or ovulatory cycles that are irregular, making it more difficult to become pregnant.

When it comes to prolactin and recurrent miscarriages, however, the jury is still out. A few studies have found elevated prolactin levels in women with recurrent miscarriages. What this finding means, however, is controversial. Some people feel that elevated prolactin may cause miscarriages, while others feel that it is too early to say so definitively.

In Support of the Theory

Given the interworking of so many different hormones in the human body, it's feasible that an imbalance could cause numerous problems. Since hyperprolactinemia may contribute to miscarriages in some women, some doctors may check a woman's prolactin level and give medication to lower the level if it is elevated. 

In the case of recurrent miscarriages and prolactin, one older study found elevated prolactin levels in women who had two or pregnancy losses. When these women were treated with a medication called bromocriptine (that works to lower prolactin levels) in their next pregnancy, there was an 85 percent live-born rate compared to the untreated women who had a 52 percent live-born rate.  

These findings have not been verified in a large-scale study. But, because the treatment is thought to be safe, some doctors test for and treat elevated prolactin when testing women for causes of recurrent miscarriages.

In Opposition of the Theory

The studies that have found a link between high prolactin levels and miscarriage are not large enough to be conclusive.

In addition, researchers still do not fully understand the functioning of prolactin in the body, and many feel that it is too early to say whether or not the elevated prolactin levels in women with miscarriages have any clinical relevance. Other factors could theoretically account for higher prolactin levels in women with miscarriages.

Where It Stands

Some doctors regularly test prolactin in couples with recurrent miscarriages and prescribe medications, such as bromocriptine or cabergoline, to reduce the prolactin levels. These medications appear to be safe to use during pregnancy and are commonly used for women with infertility from hyperprolactinemia. That being said, there are no formal recommendations to test for and treat prolactin in women with recurrent miscarriages.

June update after 1st two appointments

Hey friends!

Lots of people have reached out to us..... and here I am to fill you all in!   I can't begin to tell you how we both have all the feels.  I also can't explain how much love, prayers, hugs and good vibes we feel.  What I'm really blown away by, is by the women who have reached out to say, "Hey Ame, I've been in the same boat, and it all worked out" or the women who have reached out and are going through a lot of the same stuff.  This literally BLEW my mind!  The saying of you never know what someone else is going through... well if that ain't the dang truth!  I was actually hesitant to post another update to respect Eric's privacy and maybe I was almost feeling that I wasn't being sensitive to other women by sharing our story, but the response from Eric and other women has been overwhelmingly supportive.  Some people can talk about this subject, some can't.  Neither is right or wrong.  However if I can talk about it and it helps just 1 person, then its worth it.  So here we go with the actual update:

I LOVE MY DR & NURSES. (One of my nurses is from Gillette, WY!  I knew who she was immediately and I bet I haven't seen her in 15-20 years, what a SMALL WORLD!!)

I can tell a weight has been lifted off of Eric's shoulders... some relief that everything will be OK. (this makes me extremely happy and tingly inside!!)

Eric still doesn't like needles, even when they aren't going in him... he still can't handle it.

Eric can play a mean round of farming on his cell phone when his wife is being picked and prodded. 

I don't mind driving to appointments a couple hours away, because it gives my mind a break and Eric ACTUALLY DRIVES!

We found out that Eric needs to take some vitamins and take a little bit better care of his heart!  We all should; right?  And for me, they want my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels to come down a bit more and we found that my Prolactin level is high.  (Google it if you want the details, not that scary but enough to make you think and enough info to really make sense when you are in my shoes). Related to my Prolactin levels we discovered that I have a small cyst on my pituitary gland.  This is nothing to worry about but it may be causing some of my irregular periods, night sweats, tiredness, forgetfulness, etc.  The nurses are not that worried about it, I just gotta take a new medicine and get a follow up MRI to make sure its not getting bigger.  (I have decided I really am not a fan of MRI's)

So really, not much has happened yet, but then again a lot has happened.  We know stuff today that we did not know before, and things have been tested that never were. We are also away from excuses, we are on to what is actually causing the problem.  I mentioned that Eric is feeling a little lighter.. I have to confess, that so am I.  I'm tired and worried all the time, but I'm feeling a little lighter.  I can't believe how much we've learned in such a short time and how much the doctor talked with us and how many reasons or ideas he had on what was going on with us.  He was also filled with so much heart and so sensitive to the fact of why we were there.  It was amazing.

I think with in the next week or two we will have the next round of poking and prodding! 

Thank you everyone for following our journey and loving us!  XO, Eric & Amy

My new hashtag should be  #coachandbearhavenoideawhatsabouttohitthem

HOLY MOLY

Guys!

Its been WAAAAAAY tooo long!  Like almost 2 years to long.  I guess life got a hold of us and we have been a bit busy!     

I'm here to tell ya, I'm back and I'm gonna be blogging for the next few whatever's as we venture into our new, scary, and hopefully life changing adventure. An adventure that many/most people do not talk about, but I'm here to talk about it.  I'm gonna talk about the ugly, scary, fun, and truth.  I'm gonna talk so that others don't have to, and I'm gonna talk so that others know they aren't alone.

Over the past 2 years, we've experienced a few more miscarriages.  No real answers why, lots of dr. appointments, lots of feeling sorry for myself and lots of mixed feelings.  Lots of thinking maybe this parent gig isn't for us, but ya know the more I watch Eric with our nieces and nephews and the more time I spend with the nieces and nephews and friends kids, the more I just keep thinking that we have to be parents.  We just HAVE to be.

As we entered into another summer and another year with just Eric and I, I felt a feeling of loneliness and maybe a little sadness.  I really don't know if it was either, but I just knew I was looking for more.  Our original thought was we'd add another Doodle.  We actually put a down payment down for another one, we had him secretly named and we were ready to bring a third Doodle home in the fall.  Boy that was exciting, but it wasn't really what we were looking for..... we'd love one and will eventually get another but not this summer, we have bigger things to figure out.... like maybe a little person.......

About a month ago, I went to a standard doctor appointment on a standard Wednesday and had my standard labs done.  I got the same results that I get every week.... your thyroid is slow, you need to lose weight, you need to lower your stress levels, maybe we should put you on some depression meds and lets up your thyroid meds AGAIN.  I was mad, I was so mad I thought I was going to put a hole through my jeep door.  I drove my normal 30 minutes back to work after the appointment and I still wasn't calmed down.  I just kept thinking... I know life isn't fair, but give us a break, someone at least tell us if something is wrong.  Someone tell me if we are going to have kids or if we aren't.   That day for some reason all of a sudden I decided that a standard doctor appointment just wasn't going to work.  I was done settling.  Settling for standard appointments with so so results.  I was done settling with just getting another Dood.  I was done settling with the "no answers".  I was done.  I was absolutely 100% done.

That same day I told Eric all my thoughts, fears, feelings, and he shared all the same feelings (not always easy to do, and often time just ignored because it is such a hard subject)....... fast forward almost exactly a month..... a month, boy a month goes fast.  Fast forward ONE month and we have learned everything there is to know about our insurance, learned about medical codes, medicines, treatments, weird medical terms and are starting our adventure tomorrow at a specialty clinic in South Dakota.

First step, figuring out what and if anything is wrong with Eric or myself.  It'll be a long day. There will be lots of tests, lots of questions, lots of needles I'm sure. We won't sleep much tonight.  Too many emotions.  Even as I'm typing this, I'm thinking that maybe I was just kidding and maybe wanna wait a few more years, but I'm not gonna let my fears and nervousness stop this thing we seem to have started.

I'm hearing that after tomorrow we are going to be excited.  It's been a long long time since we've been truly excited about something!  I have butterfly's in my stomach and I know Eric does too.

Wish us luck, everyone say their prayers and stay tuned!

I truly hope that by me sharing our story it helps someone else, and gives them the courage to talk about their loss or their hopes and fears.  I don't want anyone anywhere feeling alone!  I also hope Eric doesn't kill me.

XO, Eric & Amy

10 years!

As we approach our 10 year anniversary I'm just in awe that we have been married 10 years.  10 years seems like it flew by.  It seems like yesterday that I was waiting on Eric at Village Inn and I didn't even know his name.  I knew he was the handsome blonde guy that drank a lot of coffee and always wore a UMD hoodie.  He was always polite.  Always left a tip and always had the nicest softest smile.  I couldn't believe when I asked him out he said yes.  I can't believe we got married 9 months later and now we've been married 10 years.

During our 10 years we've lived in Nebraska, Minnesota, Wyoming, Colorado and Florida. We've traveled to several other states and had many many adventures.

During our 10 years we've owned 3 houses, rented plenty more and had multiple multiple moves. Each move with more stuff and each move faster and more stressful.

During our 10 years we've seen our siblings give us 18 nieces and nephews with one more coming in August and I'm sure plenty more to come.

During our 10 years we've had advancements at work, we've bought boats, fourwheelers, new cars, etc.  We've been comfortable.  We've been blessed in ways we still can't believe.

During our 10 years we've gotten Coach and Bear.  What would we do with out Coach and Bear!!?!  They are our world, our kids for now and bring so much joy to the Johnson Ranch.

During our 10 years we've formed new relationships with couples and friends.  We've formed new relationships with relatives and realized how many people we have in our lives that are so important to us.  We've also reformed old relationships that are better than ever.  I'm still as close with my Wyoming High school girl friends as if I was only a couple years out of school!  (Not everyone can say that..... not everyone wants to say that)  Eric even got to live in Gillette for 2 years and become friends with all my friends and family from there.  He got to experience where I had the best childhood ever.  How cool is that?!?

During our 10 years, we've been away from family.  This is one of my most favorite things.  Not that I like being away from family because those of you that know me, know that that's what our world revolves around, but the fact that we were far enough away to figure out who we are as a couple.  Not who our parents or friends thought we should be, but who we thought we should be and who we've become.  We have learned so much about each other.  We've come to depend on each other.  We HAVE to be there for each other and we HAVE to be OK, because we are the only ones we have.

During our 10 years it hasn't all been wonderful; we've lost 4 babies, had panic attacks, dealt with depression, had surgeries, have had broken bones, broken hearts, been homesick, have lost a parent, grandparents, close friends and loved ones.  Along with all the good we've had our fair share of bad.

Just last week I was sick and was admitted to the hospital and had surgery.  It was embarassing and I had to admit to Eric that I had been keeping a secret from him pretty much our whole marriage about a growth I had.  I was embarrassed and mostly scared. Every year that passed I didn't know how to bring it up.  I didn't know the right time.  It didn't really bother me or cause pain, but it worried me.  It worried me every minute of every day.  I wondered if it had something to do with my health issues, I wondered if it had anything do to with my miscarriages, I wondered if it was cancer, I wondered so many things, but yet did nothing.  My mom asked me how if I was so scared I never told a doctor.  I guess I don't have an answer for that.  We found out late Sunday that it was nothing.  Literally nothing.  A skin growth and that I was just fine.  I don't have cancer.  I'm not dying.  I should have come clean years ago, but I didn't.  Now that I came clean with Eric and my family and had surgery I'm feeling a lot better, I feel light on my feet, not just health wise but stress wise. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  For the first time in I think 15 years I have had a full night of sleep (besides Eric's snoring).  I have woken up with energy.  I have woken up ready to take on anything.  Just today on a vacation day I bet I've done more emails and work mumbo jumbo by 10 am that I would normally do in a whole day. Not only keeping this secret put such a burden on me, but it was unfair to Eric and my family.  SO Unfair.  I apologize a hundred times over and urge anyone that has a health concern to just handle it.  Nothing is too embarassing.  Nothing is "not" normal.  Nothing is too small to let your family and dr's know about.  I learned the hard way, the long hard way and would wish that on no one.  Even after all of this; Big J was by my side.  Sleeping in the waiting room.  Getting me water and ice.  Taunting me because I couldn't eat or have a diet dew for almost 48 hours.  When I was at my lowest he was there to make me smile and make me feel special.  He didn't make me feel bad about keeping a secret, we just talked through it. With out him and our strong marriage, this last weekend would have been incredibly harder then it already was. (OH and of course, having my mom with me made a world of difference too, but I'll save my compliments and thoughts on my wonderful ma for another post).

I guess I'm writing this post just to say; hey if you are married and you are truly committed; no matter what happens, you'll make it work.  And if you make it work; you are beyond blessed.

Happy 10 years big J!!!! And here's to many many many more!

Someone else's story!!! :)

Hey Everyone!  I know its only been a couple days since I posted last, but I had a friend reach out to me and tell me her story.  It's compelling.  It's surprising.  It's sad.  It's happy. It's funny.  It's powerful. It's miraculous.  It made me feel not alone, and hopefully my story and others help some of you reading this not feel so alone!  Again.. it confirmed that you never know what someone is going through.  I asked her if I could share her story and she said... Absolutely go for it.  Long story short... She has a young son and is expecting another baby.  Her miracles happened.  Her prayers were answered.  I couldn't be happier for her.  She has a supporting husband, friends, work and family!  Maybe part of the reason her story hit me so hard is that she lives away from her family like Eric and myself... It's hard being away from your family but also brings you so close to your husband and your home away from home family!  Enjoy her words.  I sure did.  I found courage and strength in her story.  Thanks for Sharing dear friend from good ol Wyoming!!!  Her words below:

Amy, I came across your blog today and was blown away. I have sometimes wondered why you and your husband didn’t have any children. As soon as I read your post from today, I jumped all the way to the beginning and just read them all. My husband and I struggled with miscarriages for 6 years. The first time I got pregnant, we were super excited. I told people right away, and lost the baby within a couple days. My sister had a miscarriage for her first pregnancy, so I knew it could happen, but didn’t think it would happen again. 3 months later I was pregnant again. This time I made it to about 7 weeks, and when I started bleeding I fell apart. I knew that two miscarriages in a row wasn’t normal. 4-5 months later, I was pregnant again, and then I wasn’t. I saw a specialist, he ran tests and told me they couldn’t find anything wrong. All they could guess was that my DNA didn’t work with my husband’s. I kept getting pregnant. Every 3-6 months, I would test pregnant. I would only make it to 4-7 weeks, and the pregnancy would go away. I quit going to the doctor. I would start bleeding at work, cry in the bathroom, and return to my desk. My husband was silent. He didn’t really know what to do. People gave me so much advice. “Stop drinking all the Diet Mountain Dew,” (yes, I have the same addiction). Are you kidding me, crackheads have babies. Do this, don’t do this. It didn’t matter what I did, my body was rejecting the babies. There was a need for everyone to “solve” our “problem.” Adoption was suggested over and over. My husband and I discussed it, but we weren’t there. IVF was another solution, but I was getting pregnant, I just couldn’t keep the baby. I begrudgingly adopted a dog that we found outside our work. Wylie became my baby. He was my therapy, and he is the most loyal and protective dog. He was abandoned, so I feel like he would never leave me. Then Wylie bit a lady at our house. People told us to put him down, we lost our home insurance. I was at a complete loss. We can’t have a baby, and now we are supposed to kill our dog? My husband stood firm, and wouldn’t let anything happen to Wylie. The miscarriages continued until 2014, when in March I was pregnant again. It seemed to be sticking. I made it past 6 weeks, then 7, and at 8 weeks I found myself a doctor and got an appointment. My husband went along, and this time there was a baby with a heartbeat. But, it was stuck in my fallopian tube. They sent me right to emergency room for surgery. They aborted the baby and removed my left tube. We were completely devasted. I flew home to be with my mom and sister. For a while I could forget what had happened in Phoenix and what it meant for the future. But when I had to leave, I cried all the way home. I was at the absolute bottom. I felt like I had no absolute purpose or direction in life. After the surgery, my new doctor told us that maybe the tube the baby got stuck in had a blockage, and that was the reason I had miscarried all along. He told us to keep trying and if I had another miscarriage, he wanted to run more tests. 6 months later, I was pregnant again. I went in at 7 weeks, and the baby was there, where it was supposed to be. We left the office so excited. We thought it is finally over. That night at 2 am I woke up and was bleeding. I went to work the next morning, and told my boss (one of my best friends) that I had lost the baby. I wasn’t even going to go back to the doctor, but he pressured me to go. When the doctor took a look, it was a complete miracle, the little baby was still there. I had a large bleed, but it did not affect the baby. Well that miracle lasted, and now we have baby Bridger, and six months later, “Surprise, another baby.” I don’t tell many people how many miscarriages we have had, and I’m not even sure if I know. All the comments, and emotions you shared in you blog were little reminders of how I felt. I cried the day my niece was born, because I was jealous. How horrible is that? Even with this baby, I feel distant, because I don’t want to get too attached in case something bad happens. I don’t think there is ever the right thing to tell someone struggling with infertility. I think your blog is great, and it is therapy to share. It was therapy for me to read. Keep doing exactly what you want to do, and enjoy your husband. He sounds like a keeper and a blessing.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.... Be Kind.

Life sometimes feels like a roller coaster.  Its got its ups and downs.  I hope most people just mostly have ups.  Mine mostly has ups but sometimes some downs.  With in the last month my life has been chaos.  Well I feel like its chaos but maybe its more like I feel like my life is in shambles or is all over the place. I feel like I'm confused 100% of time and that's an icky feeling.  Even at work I feel confused sometimes, not for long but sometimes I need to take a breather.  There is a lot that goes on in someones personal life that no one knows.  One of my most favorite sayings EVER is:  "Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind."  There is so much truth to this saying.  I think it should be on everyone's wall, I think it should be the headline when you log on the internet, I think it should be some sort of life moto.  It just is so so true.  Here's my story of our last few weeks that very few people know about...

A little over a month ago, Eric and I had another miscarriage.  We didn't know we were pregnant, we weren't really expecting to be pregnant, but we were.  It was a shock.  I wasn't sick.  I wasn't anymore tired than I usually am & I didn't even realize that I was "late".  Some of you hearing this probably think that we were just devastated and most times we are but this time it caught us so off guard, that we just went through the motions and continued on with life.  No one at work knew what was going on right away, Eric didn't even know.  It happened at work.  I called my mom.  I called my doctor.  I dealt with it and went right back to work.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of night with relief that it ended so quickly.  Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty for having that feeling.  Sometimes I wake up just sad and sometimes I wake up longing for more.  In this case, I felt upset, sad, angry and relieved all at the same time.  Not that I don't want to be pregnant, but being pregnant... just the thought of it literally scares the living shit out of me.  It consumes my thoughts.  It consumes my dreams. It consumes my life when I am.  I worry that it will end bad.  I worry something will happen at the delivery.  I worry that I will leave Eric and a baby behind, that something horrible like that will happen.  When I think about being pregnant, even writing this... I'm terrified.  A woman shouldn't feel this.  I suppose its sort of normal, but the fear I have is overwhelming.  Maybe because of all the bad luck we've had and all the trials Eric and I have been through, but something just shakes me to the core, so for that, this time this miscarriage felt like a relief.  I really can't believe I'm writing this let alone sharing that thought with anyone, but I don't think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way.  I also know that with out Eric I would be an absolute wreck.  I think with out work and Eric I wouldn't even get out of bed most days.

We moved on and went on with our lives like nothing happened. You would think that life goes back to normal physically... well it sure as heck doesn't (well at least for me it doesn't).  I went to work normally except with the few appointments for labs and follow up with the doctor.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  My TSH levels are high.  (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone)  This is nothing new for me as I have a slow thyroid. I have hypothyroidism.  My mom has this, my sister has this, I have this, this is nothing new.  So they check this every month for the next few to monitor this. They are also monitoring my HCG levels.  My hormone levels.  Right now my body is reading like its pregnant but its not, that's part of why I'm so tired.  The past few weeks I have been so tired I barely make it past 8 PM at night.  I have also gained 20 lbs. since Xmas.  I was already heavier than normal and now I'm even heavier.  Its uncomfortable.  It makes me not want to do anything social and mix that with being exhausted, I barely want to leave my house. THIS is not fair to Eric.  Eric has noticed that I have taken up a new hobby:  napping on the weekends.  I never used to nap.  He typically says I'm go go gadget.  I'm usually the one all over him to get stuff done around the house.  I can paint a whole kitchen before he finishes his breakfast, but lately not so much.  I try not to worry about not feeling good and being tired, but lately it is a lot of what I think about.  I think that somethings gotta give.  I need to feel healthy again. I need to be healthy and maybe I need to talk with friends and my mom and sisters and doctor about being so scared of being Pregnant. They probably have some great tips. Even though this horrible thing happened to us, I need to find somewhere in my will to get back to living and get back to enjoying my family, friends and pups.

I need to remember in all of this that I'm important and my health is important.  I need to do whats best for me.  I need to do whats best for my health and for my family.  From here on out, I'm going to put myself first for a while, and see if that changes anything.

I'm lucky is so many ways.  I'm beyond blessed with this life I have, I just wanted to share some recent struggles and let other women know that you aren't alone.  You aren't the only one that has a bad day.  You aren't the only one that needs an extra nap.  Even if you don't have kids, you can be tired and exhausted.  Remember, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.