Baby J

Its been 10 months since we've shared anything on here.  I guess you could say we've been busy!  As most of you know, our 2nd transfer attempt was a success!  Baby J is due June 13, 2021.  We are currently almost 20 weeks pregnant. The nursery is in full swing and so is the excitement.  We are expecting a baby girl.

We've never made it this far.  I guess I just keep saying that over and over because every week we hit, we just can't believe it.  We think we've only made it to like 8 or 9 weeks with all the previous pregnancies before losing them, so we've got quite the miracle going on over here.

Our 1st transfer took us 5 months to get ready for and it was not successful if you remember. That was in February of 2020.  This is also when we started to really start hearing about Covid.  March of 2020 we started working from home due to the Pandemic.  Our clinic sometime in that time frame had also closed down due to Covid. We took it as an opportunity to take a break. We needed it.  To say that we just needed it would be an understatement.  

The clinic opened back up in June 2020.  We went for an appointment, ready to get started for our 2nd transfer.  The appointment was weird for both of us for some reason. The clinic was packed, everyone was in a hurry including the patients.  You see the clinics had just re-opened and everyone who had been mid-cycle or attempting something, was trying to get back in. For some reason, Eric and I left the appointment and felt the timing wasn't right.  We had proceeded so many times when things weren't quite right, we weren't going to do that with our last embryo.  On the ride home we decided we were going to take the summer off, see how Covid played our and spend the first summer in 3 years doing what we love; visiting family, being on the lake, walking the doods and camping.  We spent a total of 7 weeks in the camper. With the joys of technology we were able to hook up and work from every place that we stayed. We enjoyed a few vacation days as well.  I can't tell you how cool it was to finish a work day and just go on the lake, or head to your sisters for dinner or your mom and dad be 5 min away to join you for dinner.  What a joy. An absolute blast if I'm being completely honest.  From June to August was the break we needed. Add in working from home, it was also less stressful.  I don't know how to explain it except I'm in control of my whole work day minus the hundreds of meetings.  There isn't unexpected interruptions like there is in the office.

With the break from the clinic, a little less stress from everyday commotion at the office and being home, we felt we were ready to go come September.  OOOH, I forgot to mention, before one of my favorite nurses left the clinic for a new opportunity, she gave me almost all the meds I needed for our second transfer. This was going to be thousands of dollars out of pocket.  I was speechless, I think we said thank you a million times.  She took it in stride, acted like it was nothing and wanted zero credit.  I don't know if she truly realizes how that gesture changed our lives.  On top of that, I met a lovely gal in the city who had some left over meds as well, and I got those.  Those at the end filled in when we were almost out.  2 guardian angels for sure!

We went back in September and by the end of September my body was already ready to transfer our 2nd embryo. (in miracle timing)  With the medicine gestures, working from home and the new protocol, everything seemed to be falling into place. September 25th came, we had our transfer then we held our breath for 2 full weeks.... don't let me fool you.  I literally waited maybe 5 days, then started testing. The very first test I took showed that I was pregnant, but no way this was way to early. Then day 6 came, took two more tests.. very faint line. Day 7, holy shit, there is 2 pink lines. Come day 8,9,10,11 & 12, dozens of tests and all showing PREGNANT.  I went for our first blood test, numbers showed we were pregnant.  I really don't have words to explain how we felt and still feel, just that we are amazed and so happy!

We had to take progestrone shots every day for 12 weeks.  I celebrated the day this stopped. I could finally look forward to sitting in a chair and rolling over in my bed with out a throbbing pain and bruises.  

Fast forward to today, we are almost 20 weeks pregnant.  I'm sick daily, some days worse than others.  This morning... we just won't talk about. (TMI)  But overall feeling great.  The nursery has made huge strides. We are waiting for furniture and new carpet and then it will all fall together!  Thought I'd share some pictures.

Thanks to all of you for following along on this journey.  Thinking of all of you that are still on this journey and as usual, I'm here to help in anyway I can!

 XO, Eric, Amy & the Doods

                                                               Day by Day piles of meds.

                                                         Bear as normal providing support!

Baby sweater of mine, dood pillow, book and stuffed animal from transfer #1 & the doods attire!

Just a glimpse into all the tests we took

Just a picture of the weird times we are in to remember this all by.

Never had we ever seen a baby on an ultrasound. We've had 5 ultrasounds already and get pumped for every single one!

IVF Update - March 20, 2020

Hey everyone,

If you remember, our Egg Retrieval was in June of 2019 and it resulted in 2 healthy embryo's.  That means we have potentially two healthy babies........ Over the last many months, we've been trying to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) and we have been unsuccessful after many attempts.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #1 - In August of 2019 we had to put things on pause and not do an embryo transfer because the doctor found a fibroid in my uterus and I had to have surgery.  This put us on hold for at least three months. 

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #2 - Went back to the doctor at the end of October and received the all clear.  My body looked healthy, there was no signs of any cysts or fibroids. This is good news. We wait for my cycle to start in November and attempt to get ready for Transfer attempt #2.  Transfer attempt #2 is also a fail.  My body wasn't reacting to the medicines I was taking, my thyroid decided to not cooperate, and the list goes on and on, but yet another month goes by and with heavy disappointment we do not get to transfer an embryo.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #3 - December we go back to the doctor and try another attempt at transferring an embryo.  Again my body can not prepare the way it needs to on the medicine protocol so we can not transfer an embryo. At this point, I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelmed and I'm mad.  Actually I'm pissed.  My thoughts are all over the place. How come in all our years we've been able to get pregnant, just not carry a baby and now I can't even get ready to try to carry a baby?  There isn't really words that can express how one feels at this point.  Christmas rolls around, I try my best to stay positive, but I'm a nervous wreck, and not sure why, just on edge.  I thought I was doing pretty good until I got my period and the timing wasn't going to work for January to try again and then Eric hit me in the eyeball with a nerf gun bullet. (true STORY)  I burst into tears in front of my family and stomp down the stairs like a 10 year old.  After the tears were out, we got some laughs in, but how embarrassing.  I'm a 38 year old adult and I had a melt down at my parents house on Christmas.  That is the state of mind I was in, and let me tell you it just isn't fun.   Its not fun for me, for Eric, or anyone around. 

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #4 - Even though I thought my cycle was weirdly timed and wrong around Christmas, it ended up being OK.  We spent January/February getting my body ready to transfer a healthy embryo.  And when I say healthy, its a PGS tested Embryo. We tested our embryos and (2) were graded good and healthy.  Between my body actually getting ready to transfer on a different medicine protocol and a healthy embryo; what could go wrong!?  We made T shirts, we had the dogs pose for pictures, I took 3 days off work to stay at home and relax, Eric made sure I was taking it easy, I was taking daily injections of progesterone that were making it hard to walk and sit and we told our closest family and friends that we were finally transferring an Embryo. We had a name for her, we had plans.  There wasn't any way that this would not result in a pregnancy.  Wow, were we wrong.  The long two week wait (TWW) took forever.  I couldn't focus on anything, there were days where I couldn't even type a phone number into the phone correctly.  I took a pregnancy test every day multiple times a day since the third day after the transfer.  ALL NEGATIVE.  No faint lines, nothing. (Well one day we thought we saw a faint line, but it wasn't).  I knew something was wrong. When I could finally go get a blood test to confirm whether there was a pregnancy or not, I knew what the outcome would be. I thought I'd have a long day of waiting for our doctor to call, but she called a couple hours after the test and confirmed that we were not pregnant.  We weren't going to have a miscarriage, but we simply weren't pregnant. That means that a healthy embryo was literally put in my uterus, and I did not get pregnant.  We weren't ready for this.  It didn't even cross our minds.  The only word that I can kind of use to explain how we felt is DEVASTATED. I curled up at home and slept for almost two days straight.  I couldn't talk to my mom.  I didn't answer my phone unless I had to, I didn't shower, I didn't attempt any at home projects, and I only worked on what I had to for work to keep things moving.  I honestly didn't know if I would go back to work that same week, but I did.  I had to, I had to keep moving and I had to keep busy. The hardest part is not wearing these emotions on my sleeves.  My work team doesn't need to know what's going on, they don't need to shoulder this as well, so I just need to act like all is fine and well, when its not, and that's HARD.

We are now struggling on how to proceed and when.  The doctor has the medicine protocol directions to us and we have one healthy embryo left.  With the Coronavirus, we are indefinitely on hold, and we made that decision last week before things really started shutting down. Our thought process was simple, lets not spend a lot of money, make multiple trips to Sioux Falls, miss work and then all of a sudden during another attempt, we have to cancel because of the Virus. We are used to nothing being in our control, so with us putting things on hold we actually feel like we are in control a little bit.  We definitely made the right decision, but now leaves us with the question of when?  When will we be able to try again? 

Now, for the last two weeks, I've been trying to find someone or something to blame for this transfer not working, and there isn't anyone or anything to blame, but I feel like if there was this would be easier.  I don't know who to be mad at, I don't know who deserves to see my tears, I don't know who to scream and yell at and I don't even know who wants to hear about what I'm going through, if you aren't going through this or have been through this, its hard to understand.  How does a person even respond when you tell them the news?? Don't ask me, cuz I have no idea.  The whole topic of IVF, infertility, etc. is uncharted territory, and probably why lots of people don't want to talk about it. BUT I can tell you that through the last year to almost two years since we started this effort, my friends and family and work people have been nothing but supportive.  I'm amazed every single day by the kindness in the people we have surrounded ourselves with.  I also can't express how thankful I am for my new friends from the clinic.  Not only do they listen to me babble at my appointments, but they answer all my dumb questions, email me almost daily when I'm asking questions, they hug me when I'm crying and laugh when I make a stupid joke, but they also send FB messages and make sure that I'm OK OUT OF WORK HOURS.   I can tell you my friends at Sanford Reproductive are some of the best people I've ever met. They are guardian angels.  They provide support when no one else can, it is unbelievable what their jobs entail.  I'm sure they have a lot of happiness and good news, but I bet equally bad.  I wouldn't and couldn't do their jobs.  I will forever be grateful to them, no matter our final outcome.  So, to everyone that has shown up for us, thank you.  I've admittedly failed on my end, I know I haven't been the greatest friend, daughter or sister through this season of my life.  One day, and hopefully sooner than later I will be on the other side of this and will pay it forward to every single person behind us.

My biggest fear, is what if after almost 14 years of trying and losses and disappointments we still come up empty handed.  Its not fair, and I'm not sure why God gave us this cross to carry, I can only continue to pray that God's timing is perfect and that our one healthy embryo decides to be a healthy baby Johnson. What I would ask if you are reading this, is to say some extra prayers not just for Eric and I but for everyone struggling with not just infertility but anyone who is currently struggling. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about.  Also say an extra prayer for the families currently having babies in this uncharted situation we've found ourselves in with the virus. 

XO, Eric & Amy

The Dood pillow accompanying me on one of my many trips to Sioux Falls for follow up visits and Ultrasounds.

Just "some" of our meds to prepare for a Frozen Embryo Transfer.

Flowers from Sister Jo. She sent them when she heard the news that we finally had the "go" to go forward with the transfer.

The DOODS on transfer day.

  

Shirts, socks, bandannas and my baby sweater.

Right before the transfer procedure

The mouse points to the embryo after it was transferred.

Coach and Bear, never leaving my side.

Bear for real, never leaving my side.

All the negative pregnancy tests we took during the TWW.

IVF Update, 3 months in on our first IVF round

This past Monday, I didn't go to work.  I couldn't.  I decided to take a day off. I needed another day to recover from a minor surgery I had had last week.  I needed a day with out Eric and with out the stress of work, a day to clear my head.  I needed a day with out traveling or another appointment. This is after being off since the Thursday before and if you know anything about me, missing work REALLY stresses me out.  You see, all summer we have been going through our first IVF cycle.  Things were going quite well.  The only thing really annoying me was how long the process was taking, until an appointment almost 2 weeks ago on a Thursday, 6 days before our transfer date for our first embryo, an ultrasound showed that I had a fibroid in or on my uterus. One that would get in the way of a successful pregnancy, if our embryo stuck.  6 days.  We've waited for what seems like a lifetime and 6 days before our transfer date, another bump in the road. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. I might have cried more that day then I ever have, ever. The nurses took it in stride (the best staff on EARTH) and just sat with us, the lady taking my blood gave me a hug, and Eric just held my hand.  The weird thing, is that I knew something was wrong.  That morning, I think Bear even knew something was wrong.  The way he sat with me and "made" me keep holding his hand on the drive to the doctors appointment....  I had been tired, more than usual, my thyroid had been all over the place all summer and I was just sluggish and had had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.  They scheduled surgery for last Thursday to remove the fibriod, a day after when we were supposed to transfer.  This now sets us back at least 3 months.  I can not start hormone meds or the "transfer" part of our next IVF step until my body fully recovers.  THIS was DEVASTATING.

We "could" have transferred the embryo and crossed our fingers that it would have been a successful transfer, that the fibroid wouldn't cause a miscarriage, but that was a high gamble for us.  One that we immediately said no to.  We have 2 healthy embryo's.  2.  ONLY 2.  2 healthy ones, but only 2, so there is no way that we could use 1 healthy embryo with such bad circumstances.  Our history of miscarriages is evident, and my success rate for carrying a baby is zero so therefore, that decision was easy.

Last Wednesday our original "transfer" date came and went.  No mention of what the day was.  No talk between Eric and I.  Just me silently thinking about what that day was supposed to be.

Last Thursday we head to surgery, we are used to this unfortunately so we weren't scared or nervous, but I did have a weird feeling I couldn't shake.  It was the feeling of loss.  A loss for a date to transfer an embryo that really even wasn't set in stone.  A loss of something that didn't even happen. I couldn't' comprehend it.  I still didn't tell Eric.  I thought it was silly.

Friday comes around and I literally don't get out of bed.  Friends offer to come say hello, drop food off...  Eric offers to bring lunch, I say no to all of it.  I literally stay in bed all day long.  Physically I'm fine, but emotionally I'm exhausted.

Saturday comes around... I get out of bed long enough to take a shower, but right back to my room (dungeon as J calls it) to sleep some more so I don't have to think about our current situation.  I make it to a friends house for a whole hour maybe, and am just exhausted so head back home.  I tell everyone I'm fine, because physically I am, and who cares if I'm upset, I'm just being silly.

Sunday comes around....I binge watch Netflix for 12 hours straight & don't leave my bed except for a fire that Eric makes me go outside for.... (he was trying so hard)

Monday... Monday morning comes and I can't do it.  I turned my phone off & took the whole day off. Good news, I showered, cleaned the kitchen and started a project outside, it helped to clear my head and be away from everyone and everything.  Monday I finally tell Eric how I'm feeling and that I don't know why I'm struggling so much over a "date" that wasn't set in stone.  He grabs my hand and says "Ame, we've been through a lot, we can't give up, that fibroid has nothing on us!"  I tell him that maybe the odds really are against us and we just stop now and go a different path... or maybe we just are too old to be parents, his answer was clear, NO.  We are this far, we will finish and we will finish with the start of our family.

Tuesday, I go to work, keeps my mind off things and I think I feel better.

Today, today I'm up and at em and earlier than normal, and feeling like maybe everything will be OK.

I'm really hard on Eric.  Too hard.  I often times take out all my frustration on him.  I tell him there is no way he could understand what I'm going through.  I tell him its not his body that is failing him. This is not fair.  I promise to work on this.  I forget how much he is going through, but through it all he is the strong one.  Never misses a beat.  He might be slow at weed eating the yard or building his sauna, but never misses a beat with me.  He has only missed 1 doctors appointment and it was because the fedex truck was late delivering my medicine that had to be signed for.  Of course, that was his fault too, now we can at least laugh about it.

I need to remember, that this isn't the final ending to our story, that there is much more and we are currently living it.  I need to remember that Eric is in it for all of it as well, as well as our parents, siblings and friends. (We couldn't say thank you enough to our support system) I needed to get this out of my system, so there you go, a sappy blog post.

Here are some pictures from our Egg retrieval & our summer travels for all our Dr. appts.  The staff LOVED Eric's shirt.  It is now folded and tucked away in the "Baby" box.  Along with pictures of all the needles and medicines I've had to take this summer.  In that same box is all my "Charlie" stuff.  The "Baby" box, used to be called the "Charlie" box.  The "Charlie" box has all the presents, books, clothes, etc in it from our previous pregnancies.  I for some reason envision my babies in heaven as boys and all their names are Charlie.  Weird, I know, so odd, but that's how I see it. We've re-named the "Charlie" box to the  "Baby" box because it tells a story and it will be the beginning of a great one for our baby!

 Eric with our Dood support pillow!  LOL!

The RV has gotten us to all our appointments, seen new camp grounds and made for a comfortable ride for us after all our appts. I owe Big J a hug for all the driving!

 
Egg Retreival day shirts.  Date:  6/18/19 - 11 eggs                                                                                retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 are healthy after genetic testing.

Bubba Bear.

The Johnsons

The best part about going to our specialist in Sioux Falls, is the welcome we get at the front door.  No need to check in.  No need to fill out a form.  Just a big HELLO from the front desk.  Then, its almost always, we get in early or right on time. We are never left waiting.  And when the nurses do come out, they yell, "Hey Johnsons".  It gets us giggling EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  We are always greeted with "It's the Johnsons, or Hey Johnsons" in our every day life.  Since Eric and I work together we are ALWAYS together, therefore the common theme is The Johnsons. When it overflows into our doctors office, its kind of EXTRA special.

On June 2nd, it'll be a year of seeing our Reproductive Endocrinologist. It will have been a year of NO pregnancies.  It's been a full packed year of reciting how many miscarriages we have suffered and its been a year of people understanding our losses and our struggles which may seem weird, but its almost been calming in that sense.  Over the course of the year we have learned many things about ourselves.  We've learned more about our bodies then we could have even ever imagined we'd ever have to learn.  We've also learned that no topic of off limits.  Nothing is embarrassing.  Nothing is weird, in fact this is all just very normal, day to day stuff for us now.  It's not weird to get pricked with a needle.  Its not weird to pee on a stick. Its not weird to have a pregnancy test accidentally fall out of your purse. It's not weird to pull up your most recent Amazon purchases and it all be fertility related. Its not weird to have a folder you carry with you everywhere that has every single detail of your reproductive history.  In fact, this folder sits on my work desk every day.  It goes home with me every night.  Its tucked away on every trip out of town.. just in case.... just in case anything were to happen even the slight bit off schedule.  In the last year we've had several "down" moments, but we've also had lots of "ups" and have moved in the direction we need to.

Since we are approaching another year of no luck in this department combined with our age factor and our history of miscarriages, Eric and I have decided to move to IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  This process involves the fertilization of eggs, retrieving a sperm sample and combining an egg and sperm in a dish.  If the embryos are healthy, then they can be transferred to the uterus.  Along with this for Eric and I includes Genetic Testing.  The Genetic Testing helps to determine if our embryos are healthy, if they have all the chromosomes necessary, etc.  The Genetic Testing part of this is a no brainer for Eric and I.  With the amount of losses we've suffered, this may answer some questions as to why I've never been able to carry a healthy baby to full term.  We hoped and prayed and crossed all of our fingers and toes that it wouldn't come to this, however we are here and this is our time. We'll make the best of the whole procedure, all the needles, all the testing, the procedures, the medicines, surgery, trips to Sioux Falls, missing work; all of it.  It will all be worth it in the end.  We know many couples with in our family and friends circle that have gone through very similar experiences and have elected for IVF and have been successful.  We are also not blind to the fact that it may not work.  THAT my friends, is the worst fear of all, but if we don't try every single thing we could possibly try, then Eric and I feel like we didn't do everything we could to start our family.   We understand there are other options beyond IFV, procedures combined with IVF and adoption, but for right now in this slice of time, this is our path.

We appreciate the prayers, hugs, well wishes, emails, PM's, letters, texts and phone calls through out all of this. We've been pretty close lipped about this final decision on IVF because its a big decision.  A big one that involves lots of emotions and a pretty big physical toll.  We could have continued to go month after month and try medicated cylcles and one unsuccessful IUI after another, but its time to move forward. Its extremely stressful already deciding on what is right and what is wrong.  What options do we need, picking the right pharmacy, figuring out our hectic schedules, getting together the financial information, etc.  We also understand that IVF isn't the right decision for everyone fighting this awful infertility world.  We also understand it doesn't line up with everyone's beliefs and religious views, but for us, 100% this is the route we have chosen and the route that hopefully brings us a healthy baby.

This summer is going to be a very busy one! Please cross your fingers and say some extra prayers for "The Johnsons!!"


THANK YOU to our HUGE support group! We love all of you!

Why did this negative pregnancy test have me feeling all sorts of.......ish?

It's been about 3 months since our last update so I was thinking maybe we should provide one, but actually kind of feeling reluctant to do so because its SO personal.

I was hoping today would be THE day!  And don't get me wrong, its a good day, I'm alive, the sun is out, and the eye doctor told me that my eyes are very healthy.  I actually didn't realize I had anything healthy goin on so this is very good news!!  I told him I really appreciated that compliment and to keep em coming......

Today was the day our doctor told us we could take a pregnancy test.  Its the first pregnancy test since starting a new medicine and taking a trigger shot. (This is after 3 months of trying naturally after some procedures this summer, all cycles ending with no pregnancy)  For those of you that don't know, what any of this is... here is a brief summary.  (don't worry, we had zero idea until last month).  We are learning as we go.

Chlomid Med - This is a medicine that can help a woman ovulate.  My cycles are normal so we used it to kind of make our cycle super ovulated.  At my age we are looking to get more eggs and good quality eggs.  I could of course completely misunderstand all of this, but this is what med we took this cycle.  We took a low dose.  We also found out it wasn't helping my uterine lining, so we'll switch next month to a different brand.

Trigger shot:  This is a shot that is given by a nurse or your hubby or you give it to yourself.  It helps your body trigger ovulation so you know when you will ovulate.  Then you proceed with the natural way of trying to conceive a baby.  That's what we did. You then wait 14 days or however long your doc tells you before you take a pregnancy test.

HSG Test:  We also had an HSG test, that is a procedure where they put dye in your uterus to check and see if your fallopian tubes are clear and free.  Mine are, which is excellent news.

Today was the day we finally took that test, it was a big NOT PREGNANT.  I was actually expecting that because I had been testing all week, even though they told us not too.  But I kept my spirits up, I thought, hey they've really fixed some stuff already, I feel better, my thyroid is in line and my fallopian tubes are clear for sure, so this is it. I have cut my diet dew down, I've been active, my weight has been dropping...   maybe the meds and shot is all we needed to get things moving.  But a big fat wam bam thank you man negative showed up on the test.  I kind of sighed, felt like kicking the cat and went on with my morning.

THEN.... THEN I checked my Instagram account while waiting for the eye doctor. The very first thing that popped up on my screen was a picture of a baby that was born and lived to be 38 days old. The mom knew her baby might possibly not live and may not be compatible with life but she delivered the baby anyway, and had 38 days with her.  I lost it. I literally started weeping in the waiting room at the eye doctor. My heart hurt for that family and then my heart just hurt in general. I thought, what hope and courage that family had... where is mine?? I know mine is there somewhere, but holy cow.

Every single time I think that this isn't hard or it isn't effecting us, I feel that there is a set back. There isn't anything that anyone can do to make me (us) feel better, there isn't anything to make it any easier. There isn't enough snowmobile rides, kitkats or doodle cuddles to make the pain go away, however all of those things do help.  I just sometimes am speechless. I find that a lot of my free time, I don't want to be around anyone except Eric and the doods, and sometimes I feel selfish for that, but that's how we get through some of these icky feelings. I keep being told, and through support groups, blogs and research I hear that it can take many many cycles to be pregnant EVEN with these meds and procedures. I'm frustrated because we've been pregnant before.  We've been pregnant multiple times.... so WHY, why can we not get pregnant now?  I have a good doctor.  I have good nurses.  I have a good support system, so why the hell isn't it working.... its frustrating.   I also think back to the decision we made about 5 months ago to NOT go straight to IVF.  The Doctor told us that would be a lot on my body, it would be emotional, it would be time intensive, it could be the hardest thing ever....that isn't what scared me, my concern was that, if we've already had so many miscarriages and we skip straight to IVF, even if it was successful, would I be able to carry a baby?  He agreed. So we have to somehow figure out how to not be soooo frustrated as Eric and I have chosen to be what seems to be the "long" path.

Next week we'll probably be back at the dr's office.  We'll be back talking about what meds to take this month, talking about a trigger shot, potentially talking about IUI. We'll have ultrasounds, appointments and lots of lessons on whats next. I'll be peeing on sticks,  taking extra medicines to help my uterus lining get stronger.  I'll be taking suppositories and anything else they tell me we need to do. I'll be trying to track what insurance covers and what it doesn't.  I'll be taking lots of notes in my "folder". I'll be dealing with whatever side effects come with the meds. It's not fun.  It's a lot, but we know it will all be worth it.

I hope and pray that in the end, we get the outcome we hope for. I guess if its not possible for us to have a baby on our own, adoption can be the path.  Both roads are long, expensive and exhaustive, but all worth it in the end.  Even though some days I want to scream at Eric for not even anything, I'm so glad that somehow God chose him to be by my side.

I also want to assure you all, that we are just fine, and I know all these feelings and thoughts are pouring out of me, but we still have a lot of joy and fun in our lives, and we often find humor in some of the stuff that happens on this journey, I mean you have to right?  If we couldn't laugh, holy buckets this would be looooads harder.  We will keep our heads high, continue praying and keeping a positive attitude.

As always, thanks for the prayers, encouraging words, messages and hugs.  We share this not for sympathy but to help other men and women that are going through the same trials see that they are not alone.

XO Amy

Looking at me.....

Looking at me you wouldn't know that I'm scared to death.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I don't know what to say.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am a ball of mixed emotions.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm in the Dr's office, all I do is make jokes.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that there are days, that I'm OK not having a kid.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that some days I can barely get out of bed, because my heart is broken.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm around a bunch of women that have children; I sometimes feel inferior.
Looking at me you wouldn't think that staying positive is a hard task.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that maybe last week I had 3 doctors visits.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I was late for work again because I had to get my blood drawn.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I feel anxious.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am angry.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how frustrated I am.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how mad I am at my own body.  The body that was made to create life, the body that hasn't seemed to figure it out yet.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that sometimes I can't even remember my Social Security Number or log in to my computer.....

But looking at me you hopefully know that I am a fighter and I'm not giving up.

Infertility is hard.  I know there are harder subjects, but my subject is that.  It is crippling some days.  It is pain and loss on a level some can't imagine.  It is starting over and over until you've hit rock bottom.  It is finding the courage to start over again and that's just what we did.

This summer, as most of you know we really decided to take our fertility serious.  We started seeing a specialist and we couldn't be more happy.  I haven't updated in a while, so I wanted to update.  I had 3 private messages alone, just today.  The support we have as a couple is overwhelmingly amazing!

The cyst on my pituitary gland has shrunk.  The medicine I'm on for my prolactin levels has worked tremendously.  My levels have gone from very high to very normal.  (I stay on this medicine maybe for forever). (this dang prolactin subject was in a previous blog post)

My thyroid is leveled out.  I've been on the same medicine for probably 6 months now with no modifications.  This is a miracle in itself. (also medicine I'll stay on for forever)

I've had surgery to remove polyps and abnormal cells from my uterus and cervix.  Surgery was successful and really no big deal. To say we weren't nervous would be an understatement, you don't always understand what the nurses and doctors are saying, but we're OK.  I had to miss work which is always a PITA, but maybe a blessing in disguise because I discovered the TV show Suits....... O.M.G.  I may name my first born Louis Litt, JK, JK, but for sure Harvey Spector Johnson.

As of October 12th, we decided to take the least invasive way to conceiving a baby, which is the natural way with a little help from our new friend Progesterone. She should build up the uterus wall to protect a baby!  (long story short).  We could have opted to go to IUI or IVF, but we wanted to see if we could conceive and carry on our own, now that some of the obstacles seem to be out of the way. We have always been able to conceive, carrying is our problem, so I'm crossing my fingers that it helps!  If it doesn't we'll move on to the next step in a few months.  Overall I'm feeling SO MUCH better than I ever have.. not every day is great but there are more good than bad.

Here's to the sweetest news:  Sister Sarah had a baby this past week!  Looking at me, meeting my newest nephew, you'd know all the thoughts in my head because it was written all over my face.  Meeting your little sisters baby for the first time.... there isn't any sweeter feeling.

Say a few prayers for us, send us some high fives and hugs, and know we're sending them right back. Know that one of my nightly prayers is for every other couple experiencing this, that they just have a good day once and a while and that I know you are some of the strongest people in this world!

XO, Amy

  

Month 3 update

Pregnancy journey, month 3 update.  Remember, we don't share this for sympathy or attention.  We share this because we feel that if we can share our story and at help at least ONE person, then our story is worth telling.

We are on month three in on our journey to having a little Johnson.  We've been getting lots of messages and questions on if there is an update, we've been quiet, but not on purpose, just not much going on.  

Everyone told us that this would be a long process, that it wouldn't go fast.   I had this feeling in my gut that it would go fast, I was thinking, heck we've already waited 12 years and had how many losses..... once we took the leap to see the specialist, things would just fall into ace.  However, they haven't.  Don't get me wrong, I feel completely blessed and we BOTH feel that we are in the right hands. We have some answers, even if small, and even if we don't like em... we have more info today then we've ever have.

I've been taking a new medicine to help lower my Prolactin levels (a bit of information about prolactin is below in in our last update).  My medicine at first made me very very tired.  I was super frustrated at that.  I am already super tired because of my thyroid so you can imagine how frustrated I was to feel even more tired.  Most people probably don't know how tired I am every.single.day, but that isn't anyone's burden but my own and if I could get any relief that would be a BIG BIG DEAL.

Now fast forward 2 months... My Prolactin levels and my thyroid hormone levels are significantly lower but not low enough to go on to the next stage of testing.  They want to wait another 2-4 months to re-test.  Of course naturally I was upset and just super disappointed; this was Friday.  We had the day off, we were picking up a new camper, we were going to see some Johnson's and it was just gonna be a much needed long weekend, however I couldn't shake what I had just found out and in true Eric fashion he put things into perspective.  He said "Ame, you have more energy than I have seen in years.  You get out of bed in the morning with out a struggle.  You have pep in your step. You don't beg me to take a nap on lunch breaks, I have your back.... We've got his, things are already SOOOOO much better."  So in my feeling bad for myself mood, he turned it around and I realized that even in the midst of the bad news, or the slow moving hormones, there was some light at the end of the tunnel.

In closing, there really is no update, except I am feeling a bit better, and what they are treating me for, has probably been an issue for years and its finally being fixed. It has probably contributed to my not feeling well and has more than likely played a role in our many miscarriages. We will re-check my Prolactin levels in a few months, and hopefully move on to some more testing.  I have a small procedure tomorrow but nothing big. Keep us in your prayers & send good vibes!  Know that we are are praying and sending good vibes for anyone struggling with the same struggle as us!  Know that if you are expecting we couldn't be more happy for you and know that if you are one of our nieces and nephews, we couldn't love you more!!

XO, Eric & Amy

A little light reading on Prolactin below. (another request we've had) Two causes for my high Prolactin are Prolactinoma, a benign tumor in my pituitary gland that produces too much prolactin and Hashimotos/hypothyroidism.

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What Is Prolactin?

Prolactin is a hormone produced primarily by the anterior pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland at the base of the brain. Prolactin gets its name because it plays a major role in inducing milk production in lactating women. Prolactin levels normally increase throughout a woman's pregnancy, although the levels vary widely in women. Prolactin levels reach their highest level at the time of delivery and then go back to normal around six weeks after delivery (even if a woman is breastfeeding).

When prolactin levels are elevated, the condition is labeled hyperprolactinemia, and these high levels can interfere with how a woman's ovaries function. This can lead to menstrual irregularities, infertility, and sometimes milk release from the breasts, even though a woman is not breastfeeding.

The most common cause of hyperprolactinemia is a non-cancerous pituitary tumor called an adenoma, but the condition can also occur in some people with hypothyroidism. Prolactin can also be elevated in response to environmental triggers, such as strenuous exercise or stress, and in people who take medications that affect the brain chemical, dopamine.

Role in Fertility

Because menstruation and the normal ovulatory cycle often ceases during lactation, prolactin acts as a natural contraceptive that protects against back-to-back pregnancies. That being said, your body's prolactin levels should not be relied upon as proper contraception. Be sure to discuss postpartum contraception with your healthcare provider.

According to this well-accepted theory that high prolactin levels can impair ovarian function, women with elevated prolactin levels who are trying to conceive may experience menstrual and/or ovulatory cycles that are irregular, making it more difficult to become pregnant.

When it comes to prolactin and recurrent miscarriages, however, the jury is still out. A few studies have found elevated prolactin levels in women with recurrent miscarriages. What this finding means, however, is controversial. Some people feel that elevated prolactin may cause miscarriages, while others feel that it is too early to say so definitively.

In Support of the Theory

Given the interworking of so many different hormones in the human body, it's feasible that an imbalance could cause numerous problems. Since hyperprolactinemia may contribute to miscarriages in some women, some doctors may check a woman's prolactin level and give medication to lower the level if it is elevated. 

In the case of recurrent miscarriages and prolactin, one older study found elevated prolactin levels in women who had two or pregnancy losses. When these women were treated with a medication called bromocriptine (that works to lower prolactin levels) in their next pregnancy, there was an 85 percent live-born rate compared to the untreated women who had a 52 percent live-born rate.  

These findings have not been verified in a large-scale study. But, because the treatment is thought to be safe, some doctors test for and treat elevated prolactin when testing women for causes of recurrent miscarriages.

In Opposition of the Theory

The studies that have found a link between high prolactin levels and miscarriage are not large enough to be conclusive.

In addition, researchers still do not fully understand the functioning of prolactin in the body, and many feel that it is too early to say whether or not the elevated prolactin levels in women with miscarriages have any clinical relevance. Other factors could theoretically account for higher prolactin levels in women with miscarriages.

Where It Stands

Some doctors regularly test prolactin in couples with recurrent miscarriages and prescribe medications, such as bromocriptine or cabergoline, to reduce the prolactin levels. These medications appear to be safe to use during pregnancy and are commonly used for women with infertility from hyperprolactinemia. That being said, there are no formal recommendations to test for and treat prolactin in women with recurrent miscarriages.

June update after 1st two appointments

Hey friends!

Lots of people have reached out to us..... and here I am to fill you all in!   I can't begin to tell you how we both have all the feels.  I also can't explain how much love, prayers, hugs and good vibes we feel.  What I'm really blown away by, is by the women who have reached out to say, "Hey Ame, I've been in the same boat, and it all worked out" or the women who have reached out and are going through a lot of the same stuff.  This literally BLEW my mind!  The saying of you never know what someone else is going through... well if that ain't the dang truth!  I was actually hesitant to post another update to respect Eric's privacy and maybe I was almost feeling that I wasn't being sensitive to other women by sharing our story, but the response from Eric and other women has been overwhelmingly supportive.  Some people can talk about this subject, some can't.  Neither is right or wrong.  However if I can talk about it and it helps just 1 person, then its worth it.  So here we go with the actual update:

I LOVE MY DR & NURSES. (One of my nurses is from Gillette, WY!  I knew who she was immediately and I bet I haven't seen her in 15-20 years, what a SMALL WORLD!!)

I can tell a weight has been lifted off of Eric's shoulders... some relief that everything will be OK. (this makes me extremely happy and tingly inside!!)

Eric still doesn't like needles, even when they aren't going in him... he still can't handle it.

Eric can play a mean round of farming on his cell phone when his wife is being picked and prodded. 

I don't mind driving to appointments a couple hours away, because it gives my mind a break and Eric ACTUALLY DRIVES!

We found out that Eric needs to take some vitamins and take a little bit better care of his heart!  We all should; right?  And for me, they want my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels to come down a bit more and we found that my Prolactin level is high.  (Google it if you want the details, not that scary but enough to make you think and enough info to really make sense when you are in my shoes). Related to my Prolactin levels we discovered that I have a small cyst on my pituitary gland.  This is nothing to worry about but it may be causing some of my irregular periods, night sweats, tiredness, forgetfulness, etc.  The nurses are not that worried about it, I just gotta take a new medicine and get a follow up MRI to make sure its not getting bigger.  (I have decided I really am not a fan of MRI's)

So really, not much has happened yet, but then again a lot has happened.  We know stuff today that we did not know before, and things have been tested that never were. We are also away from excuses, we are on to what is actually causing the problem.  I mentioned that Eric is feeling a little lighter.. I have to confess, that so am I.  I'm tired and worried all the time, but I'm feeling a little lighter.  I can't believe how much we've learned in such a short time and how much the doctor talked with us and how many reasons or ideas he had on what was going on with us.  He was also filled with so much heart and so sensitive to the fact of why we were there.  It was amazing.

I think with in the next week or two we will have the next round of poking and prodding! 

Thank you everyone for following our journey and loving us!  XO, Eric & Amy

My new hashtag should be  #coachandbearhavenoideawhatsabouttohitthem

HOLY MOLY

Guys!

Its been WAAAAAAY tooo long!  Like almost 2 years to long.  I guess life got a hold of us and we have been a bit busy!     

I'm here to tell ya, I'm back and I'm gonna be blogging for the next few whatever's as we venture into our new, scary, and hopefully life changing adventure. An adventure that many/most people do not talk about, but I'm here to talk about it.  I'm gonna talk about the ugly, scary, fun, and truth.  I'm gonna talk so that others don't have to, and I'm gonna talk so that others know they aren't alone.

Over the past 2 years, we've experienced a few more miscarriages.  No real answers why, lots of dr. appointments, lots of feeling sorry for myself and lots of mixed feelings.  Lots of thinking maybe this parent gig isn't for us, but ya know the more I watch Eric with our nieces and nephews and the more time I spend with the nieces and nephews and friends kids, the more I just keep thinking that we have to be parents.  We just HAVE to be.

As we entered into another summer and another year with just Eric and I, I felt a feeling of loneliness and maybe a little sadness.  I really don't know if it was either, but I just knew I was looking for more.  Our original thought was we'd add another Doodle.  We actually put a down payment down for another one, we had him secretly named and we were ready to bring a third Doodle home in the fall.  Boy that was exciting, but it wasn't really what we were looking for..... we'd love one and will eventually get another but not this summer, we have bigger things to figure out.... like maybe a little person.......

About a month ago, I went to a standard doctor appointment on a standard Wednesday and had my standard labs done.  I got the same results that I get every week.... your thyroid is slow, you need to lose weight, you need to lower your stress levels, maybe we should put you on some depression meds and lets up your thyroid meds AGAIN.  I was mad, I was so mad I thought I was going to put a hole through my jeep door.  I drove my normal 30 minutes back to work after the appointment and I still wasn't calmed down.  I just kept thinking... I know life isn't fair, but give us a break, someone at least tell us if something is wrong.  Someone tell me if we are going to have kids or if we aren't.   That day for some reason all of a sudden I decided that a standard doctor appointment just wasn't going to work.  I was done settling.  Settling for standard appointments with so so results.  I was done settling with just getting another Dood.  I was done settling with the "no answers".  I was done.  I was absolutely 100% done.

That same day I told Eric all my thoughts, fears, feelings, and he shared all the same feelings (not always easy to do, and often time just ignored because it is such a hard subject)....... fast forward almost exactly a month..... a month, boy a month goes fast.  Fast forward ONE month and we have learned everything there is to know about our insurance, learned about medical codes, medicines, treatments, weird medical terms and are starting our adventure tomorrow at a specialty clinic in South Dakota.

First step, figuring out what and if anything is wrong with Eric or myself.  It'll be a long day. There will be lots of tests, lots of questions, lots of needles I'm sure. We won't sleep much tonight.  Too many emotions.  Even as I'm typing this, I'm thinking that maybe I was just kidding and maybe wanna wait a few more years, but I'm not gonna let my fears and nervousness stop this thing we seem to have started.

I'm hearing that after tomorrow we are going to be excited.  It's been a long long time since we've been truly excited about something!  I have butterfly's in my stomach and I know Eric does too.

Wish us luck, everyone say their prayers and stay tuned!

I truly hope that by me sharing our story it helps someone else, and gives them the courage to talk about their loss or their hopes and fears.  I don't want anyone anywhere feeling alone!  I also hope Eric doesn't kill me.

XO, Eric & Amy

10 years!

As we approach our 10 year anniversary I'm just in awe that we have been married 10 years.  10 years seems like it flew by.  It seems like yesterday that I was waiting on Eric at Village Inn and I didn't even know his name.  I knew he was the handsome blonde guy that drank a lot of coffee and always wore a UMD hoodie.  He was always polite.  Always left a tip and always had the nicest softest smile.  I couldn't believe when I asked him out he said yes.  I can't believe we got married 9 months later and now we've been married 10 years.

During our 10 years we've lived in Nebraska, Minnesota, Wyoming, Colorado and Florida. We've traveled to several other states and had many many adventures.

During our 10 years we've owned 3 houses, rented plenty more and had multiple multiple moves. Each move with more stuff and each move faster and more stressful.

During our 10 years we've seen our siblings give us 18 nieces and nephews with one more coming in August and I'm sure plenty more to come.

During our 10 years we've had advancements at work, we've bought boats, fourwheelers, new cars, etc.  We've been comfortable.  We've been blessed in ways we still can't believe.

During our 10 years we've gotten Coach and Bear.  What would we do with out Coach and Bear!!?!  They are our world, our kids for now and bring so much joy to the Johnson Ranch.

During our 10 years we've formed new relationships with couples and friends.  We've formed new relationships with relatives and realized how many people we have in our lives that are so important to us.  We've also reformed old relationships that are better than ever.  I'm still as close with my Wyoming High school girl friends as if I was only a couple years out of school!  (Not everyone can say that..... not everyone wants to say that)  Eric even got to live in Gillette for 2 years and become friends with all my friends and family from there.  He got to experience where I had the best childhood ever.  How cool is that?!?

During our 10 years, we've been away from family.  This is one of my most favorite things.  Not that I like being away from family because those of you that know me, know that that's what our world revolves around, but the fact that we were far enough away to figure out who we are as a couple.  Not who our parents or friends thought we should be, but who we thought we should be and who we've become.  We have learned so much about each other.  We've come to depend on each other.  We HAVE to be there for each other and we HAVE to be OK, because we are the only ones we have.

During our 10 years it hasn't all been wonderful; we've lost 4 babies, had panic attacks, dealt with depression, had surgeries, have had broken bones, broken hearts, been homesick, have lost a parent, grandparents, close friends and loved ones.  Along with all the good we've had our fair share of bad.

Just last week I was sick and was admitted to the hospital and had surgery.  It was embarassing and I had to admit to Eric that I had been keeping a secret from him pretty much our whole marriage about a growth I had.  I was embarrassed and mostly scared. Every year that passed I didn't know how to bring it up.  I didn't know the right time.  It didn't really bother me or cause pain, but it worried me.  It worried me every minute of every day.  I wondered if it had something to do with my health issues, I wondered if it had anything do to with my miscarriages, I wondered if it was cancer, I wondered so many things, but yet did nothing.  My mom asked me how if I was so scared I never told a doctor.  I guess I don't have an answer for that.  We found out late Sunday that it was nothing.  Literally nothing.  A skin growth and that I was just fine.  I don't have cancer.  I'm not dying.  I should have come clean years ago, but I didn't.  Now that I came clean with Eric and my family and had surgery I'm feeling a lot better, I feel light on my feet, not just health wise but stress wise. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  For the first time in I think 15 years I have had a full night of sleep (besides Eric's snoring).  I have woken up with energy.  I have woken up ready to take on anything.  Just today on a vacation day I bet I've done more emails and work mumbo jumbo by 10 am that I would normally do in a whole day. Not only keeping this secret put such a burden on me, but it was unfair to Eric and my family.  SO Unfair.  I apologize a hundred times over and urge anyone that has a health concern to just handle it.  Nothing is too embarassing.  Nothing is "not" normal.  Nothing is too small to let your family and dr's know about.  I learned the hard way, the long hard way and would wish that on no one.  Even after all of this; Big J was by my side.  Sleeping in the waiting room.  Getting me water and ice.  Taunting me because I couldn't eat or have a diet dew for almost 48 hours.  When I was at my lowest he was there to make me smile and make me feel special.  He didn't make me feel bad about keeping a secret, we just talked through it. With out him and our strong marriage, this last weekend would have been incredibly harder then it already was. (OH and of course, having my mom with me made a world of difference too, but I'll save my compliments and thoughts on my wonderful ma for another post).

I guess I'm writing this post just to say; hey if you are married and you are truly committed; no matter what happens, you'll make it work.  And if you make it work; you are beyond blessed.

Happy 10 years big J!!!! And here's to many many many more!