#johnsonranch: March 2020

Hey everyone,

If you remember, our Egg Retrieval was in June of 2019 and it resulted in 2 healthy embryo's. That means we have potentially two healthy babies........ Over the last many months, we've been trying to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) and we have been unsuccessful after many attempts.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #1 - In August of 2019 we had to put things on pause and not do an embryo transfer because the doctor found a fibroid in my uterus and I had to have surgery. This put us on hold for at least three months.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #2 - Went back to the doctor at the end of October and received the all clear. My body looked healthy, there was no signs of any cysts or fibroids. This is good news. We wait for my cycle to start in November and attempt to get ready for Transfer attempt #2. Transfer attempt #2 is also a fail. My body wasn't reacting to the medicines I was taking, my thyroid decided to not cooperate, and the list goes on and on, but yet another month goes by and with heavy disappointment we do not get to transfer an embryo.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #3 - December we go back to the doctor and try another attempt at transferring an embryo. Again my body can not prepare the way it needs to on the medicine protocol so we can not transfer an embryo. At this point, I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelmed and I'm mad. Actually I'm pissed. My thoughts are all over the place. How come in all our years we've been able to get pregnant, just not carry a baby and now I can't even get ready to try to carry a baby? There isn't really words that can express how one feels at this point. Christmas rolls around, I try my best to stay positive, but I'm a nervous wreck, and not sure why, just on edge. I thought I was doing pretty good until I got my period and the timing wasn't going to work for January to try again and then Eric hit me in the eyeball with a nerf gun bullet. (true STORY) I burst into tears in front of my family and stomp down the stairs like a 10 year old. After the tears were out, we got some laughs in, but how embarrassing. I'm a 38 year old adult and I had a melt down at my parents house on Christmas. That is the state of mind I was in, and let me tell you it just isn't fun. Its not fun for me, for Eric, or anyone around.

Frozen Embryo Attempt Transfer #4 - Even though I thought my cycle was weirdly timed and wrong around Christmas, it ended up being OK. We spent January/February getting my body ready to transfer a healthy embryo. And when I say healthy, its a PGS tested Embryo. We tested our embryos and (2) were graded good and healthy. Between my body actually getting ready to transfer on a different medicine protocol and a healthy embryo; what could go wrong!? We made T shirts, we had the dogs pose for pictures, I took 3 days off work to stay at home and relax, Eric made sure I was taking it easy, I was taking daily injections of progesterone that were making it hard to walk and sit and we told our closest family and friends that we were finally transferring an Embryo. We had a name for her, we had plans. There wasn't any way that this would not result in a pregnancy. Wow, were we wrong. The long two week wait (TWW) took forever. I couldn't focus on anything, there were days where I couldn't even type a phone number into the phone correctly. I took a pregnancy test every day multiple times a day since the third day after the transfer. ALL NEGATIVE. No faint lines, nothing. (Well one day we thought we saw a faint line, but it wasn't). I knew something was wrong. When I could finally go get a blood test to confirm whether there was a pregnancy or not, I knew what the outcome would be. I thought I'd have a long day of waiting for our doctor to call, but she called a couple hours after the test and confirmed that we were not pregnant. We weren't going to have a miscarriage, but we simply weren't pregnant. That means that a healthy embryo was literally put in my uterus, and I did not get pregnant. We weren't ready for this. It didn't even cross our minds. The only word that I can kind of use to explain how we felt is DEVASTATED. I curled up at home and slept for almost two days straight. I couldn't talk to my mom. I didn't answer my phone unless I had to, I didn't shower, I didn't attempt any at home projects, and I only worked on what I had to for work to keep things moving. I honestly didn't know if I would go back to work that same week, but I did. I had to, I had to keep moving and I had to keep busy. The hardest part is not wearing these emotions on my sleeves. My work team doesn't need to know what's going on, they don't need to shoulder this as well, so I just need to act like all is fine and well, when its not, and that's HARD.

We are now struggling on how to proceed and when. The doctor has the medicine protocol directions to us and we have one healthy embryo left. With the Coronavirus, we are indefinitely on hold, and we made that decision last week before things really started shutting down. Our thought process was simple, lets not spend a lot of money, make multiple trips to Sioux Falls, miss work and then all of a sudden during another attempt, we have to cancel because of the Virus. We are used to nothing being in our control, so with us putting things on hold we actually feel like we are in control a little bit. We definitely made the right decision, but now leaves us with the question of when? When will we be able to try again?

Now, for the last two weeks, I've been trying to find someone or something to blame for this transfer not working, and there isn't anyone or anything to blame, but I feel like if there was this would be easier. I don't know who to be mad at, I don't know who deserves to see my tears, I don't know who to scream and yell at and I don't even know who wants to hear about what I'm going through, if you aren't going through this or have been through this, its hard to understand. How does a person even respond when you tell them the news?? Don't ask me, cuz I have no idea. The whole topic of IVF, infertility, etc. is uncharted territory, and probably why lots of people don't want to talk about it. BUT I can tell you that through the last year to almost two years since we started this effort, my friends and family and work people have been nothing but supportive. I'm amazed every single day by the kindness in the people we have surrounded ourselves with. I also can't express how thankful I am for my new friends from the clinic. Not only do they listen to me babble at my appointments, but they answer all my dumb questions, email me almost daily when I'm asking questions, they hug me when I'm crying and laugh when I make a stupid joke, but they also send FB messages and make sure that I'm OK OUT OF WORK HOURS. I can tell you my friends at Sanford Reproductive are some of the best people I've ever met. They are guardian angels. They provide support when no one else can, it is unbelievable what their jobs entail. I'm sure they have a lot of happiness and good news, but I bet equally bad. I wouldn't and couldn't do their jobs. I will forever be grateful to them, no matter our final outcome. So, to everyone that has shown up for us, thank you. I've admittedly failed on my end, I know I haven't been the greatest friend, daughter or sister through this season of my life. One day, and hopefully sooner than later I will be on the other side of this and will pay it forward to every single person behind us.

My biggest fear, is what if after almost 14 years of trying and losses and disappointments we still come up empty handed. Its not fair, and I'm not sure why God gave us this cross to carry, I can only continue to pray that God's timing is perfect and that our one healthy embryo decides to be a healthy baby Johnson. What I would ask if you are reading this, is to say some extra prayers not just for Eric and I but for everyone struggling with not just infertility but anyone who is currently struggling. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Also say an extra prayer for the families currently having babies in this uncharted situation we've found ourselves in with the virus.

XO, Eric & Amy