IVF Update, 3 months in on our first IVF round

This past Monday, I didn't go to work.  I couldn't.  I decided to take a day off. I needed another day to recover from a minor surgery I had had last week.  I needed a day with out Eric and with out the stress of work, a day to clear my head.  I needed a day with out traveling or another appointment. This is after being off since the Thursday before and if you know anything about me, missing work REALLY stresses me out.  You see, all summer we have been going through our first IVF cycle.  Things were going quite well.  The only thing really annoying me was how long the process was taking, until an appointment almost 2 weeks ago on a Thursday, 6 days before our transfer date for our first embryo, an ultrasound showed that I had a fibroid in or on my uterus. One that would get in the way of a successful pregnancy, if our embryo stuck.  6 days.  We've waited for what seems like a lifetime and 6 days before our transfer date, another bump in the road. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. I might have cried more that day then I ever have, ever. The nurses took it in stride (the best staff on EARTH) and just sat with us, the lady taking my blood gave me a hug, and Eric just held my hand.  The weird thing, is that I knew something was wrong.  That morning, I think Bear even knew something was wrong.  The way he sat with me and "made" me keep holding his hand on the drive to the doctors appointment....  I had been tired, more than usual, my thyroid had been all over the place all summer and I was just sluggish and had had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.  They scheduled surgery for last Thursday to remove the fibriod, a day after when we were supposed to transfer.  This now sets us back at least 3 months.  I can not start hormone meds or the "transfer" part of our next IVF step until my body fully recovers.  THIS was DEVASTATING.

We "could" have transferred the embryo and crossed our fingers that it would have been a successful transfer, that the fibroid wouldn't cause a miscarriage, but that was a high gamble for us.  One that we immediately said no to.  We have 2 healthy embryo's.  2.  ONLY 2.  2 healthy ones, but only 2, so there is no way that we could use 1 healthy embryo with such bad circumstances.  Our history of miscarriages is evident, and my success rate for carrying a baby is zero so therefore, that decision was easy.

Last Wednesday our original "transfer" date came and went.  No mention of what the day was.  No talk between Eric and I.  Just me silently thinking about what that day was supposed to be.

Last Thursday we head to surgery, we are used to this unfortunately so we weren't scared or nervous, but I did have a weird feeling I couldn't shake.  It was the feeling of loss.  A loss for a date to transfer an embryo that really even wasn't set in stone.  A loss of something that didn't even happen. I couldn't' comprehend it.  I still didn't tell Eric.  I thought it was silly.

Friday comes around and I literally don't get out of bed.  Friends offer to come say hello, drop food off...  Eric offers to bring lunch, I say no to all of it.  I literally stay in bed all day long.  Physically I'm fine, but emotionally I'm exhausted.

Saturday comes around... I get out of bed long enough to take a shower, but right back to my room (dungeon as J calls it) to sleep some more so I don't have to think about our current situation.  I make it to a friends house for a whole hour maybe, and am just exhausted so head back home.  I tell everyone I'm fine, because physically I am, and who cares if I'm upset, I'm just being silly.

Sunday comes around....I binge watch Netflix for 12 hours straight & don't leave my bed except for a fire that Eric makes me go outside for.... (he was trying so hard)

Monday... Monday morning comes and I can't do it.  I turned my phone off & took the whole day off. Good news, I showered, cleaned the kitchen and started a project outside, it helped to clear my head and be away from everyone and everything.  Monday I finally tell Eric how I'm feeling and that I don't know why I'm struggling so much over a "date" that wasn't set in stone.  He grabs my hand and says "Ame, we've been through a lot, we can't give up, that fibroid has nothing on us!"  I tell him that maybe the odds really are against us and we just stop now and go a different path... or maybe we just are too old to be parents, his answer was clear, NO.  We are this far, we will finish and we will finish with the start of our family.

Tuesday, I go to work, keeps my mind off things and I think I feel better.

Today, today I'm up and at em and earlier than normal, and feeling like maybe everything will be OK.

I'm really hard on Eric.  Too hard.  I often times take out all my frustration on him.  I tell him there is no way he could understand what I'm going through.  I tell him its not his body that is failing him. This is not fair.  I promise to work on this.  I forget how much he is going through, but through it all he is the strong one.  Never misses a beat.  He might be slow at weed eating the yard or building his sauna, but never misses a beat with me.  He has only missed 1 doctors appointment and it was because the fedex truck was late delivering my medicine that had to be signed for.  Of course, that was his fault too, now we can at least laugh about it.

I need to remember, that this isn't the final ending to our story, that there is much more and we are currently living it.  I need to remember that Eric is in it for all of it as well, as well as our parents, siblings and friends. (We couldn't say thank you enough to our support system) I needed to get this out of my system, so there you go, a sappy blog post.

Here are some pictures from our Egg retrieval & our summer travels for all our Dr. appts.  The staff LOVED Eric's shirt.  It is now folded and tucked away in the "Baby" box.  Along with pictures of all the needles and medicines I've had to take this summer.  In that same box is all my "Charlie" stuff.  The "Baby" box, used to be called the "Charlie" box.  The "Charlie" box has all the presents, books, clothes, etc in it from our previous pregnancies.  I for some reason envision my babies in heaven as boys and all their names are Charlie.  Weird, I know, so odd, but that's how I see it. We've re-named the "Charlie" box to the  "Baby" box because it tells a story and it will be the beginning of a great one for our baby!

 Eric with our Dood support pillow!  LOL!

The RV has gotten us to all our appointments, seen new camp grounds and made for a comfortable ride for us after all our appts. I owe Big J a hug for all the driving!

 
Egg Retreival day shirts.  Date:  6/18/19 - 11 eggs                                                                                retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 are healthy after genetic testing.

Bubba Bear.