It's been about 3 months since our last update so I was thinking maybe we should provide one, but actually kind of feeling reluctant to do so because its SO personal.
I was hoping today would be THE day! And don't get me wrong, its a good day, I'm alive, the sun is out, and the eye doctor told me that my eyes are very healthy. I actually didn't realize I had anything healthy goin on so this is very good news!! I told him I really appreciated that compliment and to keep em coming......
Today was the day our doctor told us we could take a pregnancy test. Its the first pregnancy test since starting a new medicine and taking a trigger shot. (This is after 3 months of trying naturally after some procedures this summer, all cycles ending with no pregnancy) For those of you that don't know, what any of this is... here is a brief summary. (don't worry, we had zero idea until last month). We are learning as we go.
Chlomid Med - This is a medicine that can help a woman ovulate. My cycles are normal so we used it to kind of make our cycle super ovulated. At my age we are looking to get more eggs and good quality eggs. I could of course completely misunderstand all of this, but this is what med we took this cycle. We took a low dose. We also found out it wasn't helping my uterine lining, so we'll switch next month to a different brand.
Trigger shot: This is a shot that is given by a nurse or your hubby or you give it to yourself. It helps your body trigger ovulation so you know when you will ovulate. Then you proceed with the natural way of trying to conceive a baby. That's what we did. You then wait 14 days or however long your doc tells you before you take a pregnancy test.
HSG Test: We also had an HSG test, that is a procedure where they put dye in your uterus to check and see if your fallopian tubes are clear and free. Mine are, which is excellent news.
Today was the day we finally took that test, it was a big NOT PREGNANT. I was actually expecting that because I had been testing all week, even though they told us not too. But I kept my spirits up, I thought, hey they've really fixed some stuff already, I feel better, my thyroid is in line and my fallopian tubes are clear for sure, so this is it. I have cut my diet dew down, I've been active, my weight has been dropping... maybe the meds and shot is all we needed to get things moving. But a big fat wam bam thank you man negative showed up on the test. I kind of sighed, felt like kicking the cat and went on with my morning.
THEN.... THEN I checked my Instagram account while waiting for the eye doctor. The very first thing that popped up on my screen was a picture of a baby that was born and lived to be 38 days old. The mom knew her baby might possibly not live and may not be compatible with life but she delivered the baby anyway, and had 38 days with her. I lost it. I literally started weeping in the waiting room at the eye doctor. My heart hurt for that family and then my heart just hurt in general. I thought, what hope and courage that family had... where is mine?? I know mine is there somewhere, but holy cow.
Every single time I think that this isn't hard or it isn't effecting us, I feel that there is a set back. There isn't anything that anyone can do to make me (us) feel better, there isn't anything to make it any easier. There isn't enough snowmobile rides, kitkats or doodle cuddles to make the pain go away, however all of those things do help. I just sometimes am speechless. I find that a lot of my free time, I don't want to be around anyone except Eric and the doods, and sometimes I feel selfish for that, but that's how we get through some of these icky feelings. I keep being told, and through support groups, blogs and research I hear that it can take many many cycles to be pregnant EVEN with these meds and procedures. I'm frustrated because we've been pregnant before. We've been pregnant multiple times.... so WHY, why can we not get pregnant now? I have a good doctor. I have good nurses. I have a good support system, so why the hell isn't it working.... its frustrating. I also think back to the decision we made about 5 months ago to NOT go straight to IVF. The Doctor told us that would be a lot on my body, it would be emotional, it would be time intensive, it could be the hardest thing ever....that isn't what scared me, my concern was that, if we've already had so many miscarriages and we skip straight to IVF, even if it was successful, would I be able to carry a baby? He agreed. So we have to somehow figure out how to not be soooo frustrated as Eric and I have chosen to be what seems to be the "long" path.
Next week we'll probably be back at the dr's office. We'll be back talking about what meds to take this month, talking about a trigger shot, potentially talking about IUI. We'll have ultrasounds, appointments and lots of lessons on whats next. I'll be peeing on sticks, taking extra medicines to help my uterus lining get stronger. I'll be taking suppositories and anything else they tell me we need to do. I'll be trying to track what insurance covers and what it doesn't. I'll be taking lots of notes in my "folder". I'll be dealing with whatever side effects come with the meds. It's not fun. It's a lot, but we know it will all be worth it.
I hope and pray that in the end, we get the outcome we hope for. I guess if its not possible for us to have a baby on our own, adoption can be the path. Both roads are long, expensive and exhaustive, but all worth it in the end. Even though some days I want to scream at Eric for not even anything, I'm so glad that somehow God chose him to be by my side.
I also want to assure you all, that we are just fine, and I know all these feelings and thoughts are pouring out of me, but we still have a lot of joy and fun in our lives, and we often find humor in some of the stuff that happens on this journey, I mean you have to right? If we couldn't laugh, holy buckets this would be looooads harder. We will keep our heads high, continue praying and keeping a positive attitude.
As always, thanks for the prayers, encouraging words, messages and hugs. We share this not for sympathy but to help other men and women that are going through the same trials see that they are not alone.
XO Amy
