IVF Update, 3 months in on our first IVF round

This past Monday, I didn't go to work.  I couldn't.  I decided to take a day off. I needed another day to recover from a minor surgery I had had last week.  I needed a day with out Eric and with out the stress of work, a day to clear my head.  I needed a day with out traveling or another appointment. This is after being off since the Thursday before and if you know anything about me, missing work REALLY stresses me out.  You see, all summer we have been going through our first IVF cycle.  Things were going quite well.  The only thing really annoying me was how long the process was taking, until an appointment almost 2 weeks ago on a Thursday, 6 days before our transfer date for our first embryo, an ultrasound showed that I had a fibroid in or on my uterus. One that would get in the way of a successful pregnancy, if our embryo stuck.  6 days.  We've waited for what seems like a lifetime and 6 days before our transfer date, another bump in the road. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. I might have cried more that day then I ever have, ever. The nurses took it in stride (the best staff on EARTH) and just sat with us, the lady taking my blood gave me a hug, and Eric just held my hand.  The weird thing, is that I knew something was wrong.  That morning, I think Bear even knew something was wrong.  The way he sat with me and "made" me keep holding his hand on the drive to the doctors appointment....  I had been tired, more than usual, my thyroid had been all over the place all summer and I was just sluggish and had had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.  They scheduled surgery for last Thursday to remove the fibriod, a day after when we were supposed to transfer.  This now sets us back at least 3 months.  I can not start hormone meds or the "transfer" part of our next IVF step until my body fully recovers.  THIS was DEVASTATING.

We "could" have transferred the embryo and crossed our fingers that it would have been a successful transfer, that the fibroid wouldn't cause a miscarriage, but that was a high gamble for us.  One that we immediately said no to.  We have 2 healthy embryo's.  2.  ONLY 2.  2 healthy ones, but only 2, so there is no way that we could use 1 healthy embryo with such bad circumstances.  Our history of miscarriages is evident, and my success rate for carrying a baby is zero so therefore, that decision was easy.

Last Wednesday our original "transfer" date came and went.  No mention of what the day was.  No talk between Eric and I.  Just me silently thinking about what that day was supposed to be.

Last Thursday we head to surgery, we are used to this unfortunately so we weren't scared or nervous, but I did have a weird feeling I couldn't shake.  It was the feeling of loss.  A loss for a date to transfer an embryo that really even wasn't set in stone.  A loss of something that didn't even happen. I couldn't' comprehend it.  I still didn't tell Eric.  I thought it was silly.

Friday comes around and I literally don't get out of bed.  Friends offer to come say hello, drop food off...  Eric offers to bring lunch, I say no to all of it.  I literally stay in bed all day long.  Physically I'm fine, but emotionally I'm exhausted.

Saturday comes around... I get out of bed long enough to take a shower, but right back to my room (dungeon as J calls it) to sleep some more so I don't have to think about our current situation.  I make it to a friends house for a whole hour maybe, and am just exhausted so head back home.  I tell everyone I'm fine, because physically I am, and who cares if I'm upset, I'm just being silly.

Sunday comes around....I binge watch Netflix for 12 hours straight & don't leave my bed except for a fire that Eric makes me go outside for.... (he was trying so hard)

Monday... Monday morning comes and I can't do it.  I turned my phone off & took the whole day off. Good news, I showered, cleaned the kitchen and started a project outside, it helped to clear my head and be away from everyone and everything.  Monday I finally tell Eric how I'm feeling and that I don't know why I'm struggling so much over a "date" that wasn't set in stone.  He grabs my hand and says "Ame, we've been through a lot, we can't give up, that fibroid has nothing on us!"  I tell him that maybe the odds really are against us and we just stop now and go a different path... or maybe we just are too old to be parents, his answer was clear, NO.  We are this far, we will finish and we will finish with the start of our family.

Tuesday, I go to work, keeps my mind off things and I think I feel better.

Today, today I'm up and at em and earlier than normal, and feeling like maybe everything will be OK.

I'm really hard on Eric.  Too hard.  I often times take out all my frustration on him.  I tell him there is no way he could understand what I'm going through.  I tell him its not his body that is failing him. This is not fair.  I promise to work on this.  I forget how much he is going through, but through it all he is the strong one.  Never misses a beat.  He might be slow at weed eating the yard or building his sauna, but never misses a beat with me.  He has only missed 1 doctors appointment and it was because the fedex truck was late delivering my medicine that had to be signed for.  Of course, that was his fault too, now we can at least laugh about it.

I need to remember, that this isn't the final ending to our story, that there is much more and we are currently living it.  I need to remember that Eric is in it for all of it as well, as well as our parents, siblings and friends. (We couldn't say thank you enough to our support system) I needed to get this out of my system, so there you go, a sappy blog post.

Here are some pictures from our Egg retrieval & our summer travels for all our Dr. appts.  The staff LOVED Eric's shirt.  It is now folded and tucked away in the "Baby" box.  Along with pictures of all the needles and medicines I've had to take this summer.  In that same box is all my "Charlie" stuff.  The "Baby" box, used to be called the "Charlie" box.  The "Charlie" box has all the presents, books, clothes, etc in it from our previous pregnancies.  I for some reason envision my babies in heaven as boys and all their names are Charlie.  Weird, I know, so odd, but that's how I see it. We've re-named the "Charlie" box to the  "Baby" box because it tells a story and it will be the beginning of a great one for our baby!

 Eric with our Dood support pillow!  LOL!

The RV has gotten us to all our appointments, seen new camp grounds and made for a comfortable ride for us after all our appts. I owe Big J a hug for all the driving!

 
Egg Retreival day shirts.  Date:  6/18/19 - 11 eggs                                                                                retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 are healthy after genetic testing.

Bubba Bear.

The Johnsons

The best part about going to our specialist in Sioux Falls, is the welcome we get at the front door.  No need to check in.  No need to fill out a form.  Just a big HELLO from the front desk.  Then, its almost always, we get in early or right on time. We are never left waiting.  And when the nurses do come out, they yell, "Hey Johnsons".  It gets us giggling EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  We are always greeted with "It's the Johnsons, or Hey Johnsons" in our every day life.  Since Eric and I work together we are ALWAYS together, therefore the common theme is The Johnsons. When it overflows into our doctors office, its kind of EXTRA special.

On June 2nd, it'll be a year of seeing our Reproductive Endocrinologist. It will have been a year of NO pregnancies.  It's been a full packed year of reciting how many miscarriages we have suffered and its been a year of people understanding our losses and our struggles which may seem weird, but its almost been calming in that sense.  Over the course of the year we have learned many things about ourselves.  We've learned more about our bodies then we could have even ever imagined we'd ever have to learn.  We've also learned that no topic of off limits.  Nothing is embarrassing.  Nothing is weird, in fact this is all just very normal, day to day stuff for us now.  It's not weird to get pricked with a needle.  Its not weird to pee on a stick. Its not weird to have a pregnancy test accidentally fall out of your purse. It's not weird to pull up your most recent Amazon purchases and it all be fertility related. Its not weird to have a folder you carry with you everywhere that has every single detail of your reproductive history.  In fact, this folder sits on my work desk every day.  It goes home with me every night.  Its tucked away on every trip out of town.. just in case.... just in case anything were to happen even the slight bit off schedule.  In the last year we've had several "down" moments, but we've also had lots of "ups" and have moved in the direction we need to.

Since we are approaching another year of no luck in this department combined with our age factor and our history of miscarriages, Eric and I have decided to move to IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  This process involves the fertilization of eggs, retrieving a sperm sample and combining an egg and sperm in a dish.  If the embryos are healthy, then they can be transferred to the uterus.  Along with this for Eric and I includes Genetic Testing.  The Genetic Testing helps to determine if our embryos are healthy, if they have all the chromosomes necessary, etc.  The Genetic Testing part of this is a no brainer for Eric and I.  With the amount of losses we've suffered, this may answer some questions as to why I've never been able to carry a healthy baby to full term.  We hoped and prayed and crossed all of our fingers and toes that it wouldn't come to this, however we are here and this is our time. We'll make the best of the whole procedure, all the needles, all the testing, the procedures, the medicines, surgery, trips to Sioux Falls, missing work; all of it.  It will all be worth it in the end.  We know many couples with in our family and friends circle that have gone through very similar experiences and have elected for IVF and have been successful.  We are also not blind to the fact that it may not work.  THAT my friends, is the worst fear of all, but if we don't try every single thing we could possibly try, then Eric and I feel like we didn't do everything we could to start our family.   We understand there are other options beyond IFV, procedures combined with IVF and adoption, but for right now in this slice of time, this is our path.

We appreciate the prayers, hugs, well wishes, emails, PM's, letters, texts and phone calls through out all of this. We've been pretty close lipped about this final decision on IVF because its a big decision.  A big one that involves lots of emotions and a pretty big physical toll.  We could have continued to go month after month and try medicated cylcles and one unsuccessful IUI after another, but its time to move forward. Its extremely stressful already deciding on what is right and what is wrong.  What options do we need, picking the right pharmacy, figuring out our hectic schedules, getting together the financial information, etc.  We also understand that IVF isn't the right decision for everyone fighting this awful infertility world.  We also understand it doesn't line up with everyone's beliefs and religious views, but for us, 100% this is the route we have chosen and the route that hopefully brings us a healthy baby.

This summer is going to be a very busy one! Please cross your fingers and say some extra prayers for "The Johnsons!!"


THANK YOU to our HUGE support group! We love all of you!

Why did this negative pregnancy test have me feeling all sorts of.......ish?

It's been about 3 months since our last update so I was thinking maybe we should provide one, but actually kind of feeling reluctant to do so because its SO personal.

I was hoping today would be THE day!  And don't get me wrong, its a good day, I'm alive, the sun is out, and the eye doctor told me that my eyes are very healthy.  I actually didn't realize I had anything healthy goin on so this is very good news!!  I told him I really appreciated that compliment and to keep em coming......

Today was the day our doctor told us we could take a pregnancy test.  Its the first pregnancy test since starting a new medicine and taking a trigger shot. (This is after 3 months of trying naturally after some procedures this summer, all cycles ending with no pregnancy)  For those of you that don't know, what any of this is... here is a brief summary.  (don't worry, we had zero idea until last month).  We are learning as we go.

Chlomid Med - This is a medicine that can help a woman ovulate.  My cycles are normal so we used it to kind of make our cycle super ovulated.  At my age we are looking to get more eggs and good quality eggs.  I could of course completely misunderstand all of this, but this is what med we took this cycle.  We took a low dose.  We also found out it wasn't helping my uterine lining, so we'll switch next month to a different brand.

Trigger shot:  This is a shot that is given by a nurse or your hubby or you give it to yourself.  It helps your body trigger ovulation so you know when you will ovulate.  Then you proceed with the natural way of trying to conceive a baby.  That's what we did. You then wait 14 days or however long your doc tells you before you take a pregnancy test.

HSG Test:  We also had an HSG test, that is a procedure where they put dye in your uterus to check and see if your fallopian tubes are clear and free.  Mine are, which is excellent news.

Today was the day we finally took that test, it was a big NOT PREGNANT.  I was actually expecting that because I had been testing all week, even though they told us not too.  But I kept my spirits up, I thought, hey they've really fixed some stuff already, I feel better, my thyroid is in line and my fallopian tubes are clear for sure, so this is it. I have cut my diet dew down, I've been active, my weight has been dropping...   maybe the meds and shot is all we needed to get things moving.  But a big fat wam bam thank you man negative showed up on the test.  I kind of sighed, felt like kicking the cat and went on with my morning.

THEN.... THEN I checked my Instagram account while waiting for the eye doctor. The very first thing that popped up on my screen was a picture of a baby that was born and lived to be 38 days old. The mom knew her baby might possibly not live and may not be compatible with life but she delivered the baby anyway, and had 38 days with her.  I lost it. I literally started weeping in the waiting room at the eye doctor. My heart hurt for that family and then my heart just hurt in general. I thought, what hope and courage that family had... where is mine?? I know mine is there somewhere, but holy cow.

Every single time I think that this isn't hard or it isn't effecting us, I feel that there is a set back. There isn't anything that anyone can do to make me (us) feel better, there isn't anything to make it any easier. There isn't enough snowmobile rides, kitkats or doodle cuddles to make the pain go away, however all of those things do help.  I just sometimes am speechless. I find that a lot of my free time, I don't want to be around anyone except Eric and the doods, and sometimes I feel selfish for that, but that's how we get through some of these icky feelings. I keep being told, and through support groups, blogs and research I hear that it can take many many cycles to be pregnant EVEN with these meds and procedures. I'm frustrated because we've been pregnant before.  We've been pregnant multiple times.... so WHY, why can we not get pregnant now?  I have a good doctor.  I have good nurses.  I have a good support system, so why the hell isn't it working.... its frustrating.   I also think back to the decision we made about 5 months ago to NOT go straight to IVF.  The Doctor told us that would be a lot on my body, it would be emotional, it would be time intensive, it could be the hardest thing ever....that isn't what scared me, my concern was that, if we've already had so many miscarriages and we skip straight to IVF, even if it was successful, would I be able to carry a baby?  He agreed. So we have to somehow figure out how to not be soooo frustrated as Eric and I have chosen to be what seems to be the "long" path.

Next week we'll probably be back at the dr's office.  We'll be back talking about what meds to take this month, talking about a trigger shot, potentially talking about IUI. We'll have ultrasounds, appointments and lots of lessons on whats next. I'll be peeing on sticks,  taking extra medicines to help my uterus lining get stronger.  I'll be taking suppositories and anything else they tell me we need to do. I'll be trying to track what insurance covers and what it doesn't.  I'll be taking lots of notes in my "folder". I'll be dealing with whatever side effects come with the meds. It's not fun.  It's a lot, but we know it will all be worth it.

I hope and pray that in the end, we get the outcome we hope for. I guess if its not possible for us to have a baby on our own, adoption can be the path.  Both roads are long, expensive and exhaustive, but all worth it in the end.  Even though some days I want to scream at Eric for not even anything, I'm so glad that somehow God chose him to be by my side.

I also want to assure you all, that we are just fine, and I know all these feelings and thoughts are pouring out of me, but we still have a lot of joy and fun in our lives, and we often find humor in some of the stuff that happens on this journey, I mean you have to right?  If we couldn't laugh, holy buckets this would be looooads harder.  We will keep our heads high, continue praying and keeping a positive attitude.

As always, thanks for the prayers, encouraging words, messages and hugs.  We share this not for sympathy but to help other men and women that are going through the same trials see that they are not alone.

XO Amy