Looking at me you wouldn't know that I don't know what to say.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am a ball of mixed emotions.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm in the Dr's office, all I do is make jokes.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that there are days, that I'm OK not having a kid.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that some days I can barely get out of bed, because my heart is broken.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that when I'm around a bunch of women that have children; I sometimes feel inferior.
Looking at me you wouldn't think that staying positive is a hard task.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that maybe last week I had 3 doctors visits.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I was late for work again because I had to get my blood drawn.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I feel anxious.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that I am angry.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how frustrated I am.
Looking at me you wouldn't know how mad I am at my own body. The body that was made to create life, the body that hasn't seemed to figure it out yet.
Looking at me you wouldn't know that sometimes I can't even remember my Social Security Number or log in to my computer.....
But looking at me you hopefully know that I am a fighter and I'm not giving up.
Infertility is hard. I know there are harder subjects, but my subject is that. It is crippling some days. It is pain and loss on a level some can't imagine. It is starting over and over until you've hit rock bottom. It is finding the courage to start over again and that's just what we did.
This summer, as most of you know we really decided to take our fertility serious. We started seeing a specialist and we couldn't be more happy. I haven't updated in a while, so I wanted to update. I had 3 private messages alone, just today. The support we have as a couple is overwhelmingly amazing!
The cyst on my pituitary gland has shrunk. The medicine I'm on for my prolactin levels has worked tremendously. My levels have gone from very high to very normal. (I stay on this medicine maybe for forever). (this dang prolactin subject was in a previous blog post)
My thyroid is leveled out. I've been on the same medicine for probably 6 months now with no modifications. This is a miracle in itself. (also medicine I'll stay on for forever)
I've had surgery to remove polyps and abnormal cells from my uterus and cervix. Surgery was successful and really no big deal. To say we weren't nervous would be an understatement, you don't always understand what the nurses and doctors are saying, but we're OK. I had to miss work which is always a PITA, but maybe a blessing in disguise because I discovered the TV show Suits....... O.M.G. I may name my first born Louis Litt, JK, JK, but for sure Harvey Spector Johnson.
As of October 12th, we decided to take the least invasive way to conceiving a baby, which is the natural way with a little help from our new friend Progesterone. She should build up the uterus wall to protect a baby! (long story short). We could have opted to go to IUI or IVF, but we wanted to see if we could conceive and carry on our own, now that some of the obstacles seem to be out of the way. We have always been able to conceive, carrying is our problem, so I'm crossing my fingers that it helps! If it doesn't we'll move on to the next step in a few months. Overall I'm feeling SO MUCH better than I ever have.. not every day is great but there are more good than bad.
Here's to the sweetest news: Sister Sarah had a baby this past week! Looking at me, meeting my newest nephew, you'd know all the thoughts in my head because it was written all over my face. Meeting your little sisters baby for the first time.... there isn't any sweeter feeling.
Say a few prayers for us, send us some high fives and hugs, and know we're sending them right back. Know that one of my nightly prayers is for every other couple experiencing this, that they just have a good day once and a while and that I know you are some of the strongest people in this world!
XO, Amy
